everything is burning

If you’ve ever been tasked with a whole bunch of responsibilities you’ve probably developed some kind of mechanism to determine what needs to be accomplished first.  I like to use the phrase, “What is the brightest burning fire?” I tackle those first.

Right at this moment it feels like everything in my life is burning.  And I can’t see a way to choose what to focus on.  I’m hoping by writing it out I’ll gain some perspective and find my path.

If you follow me on any social media at all then you know my cat George has been very ill for the last two weeks.  We’ve been in and out of the emergency vet, my vet, and he’s been hospitalized for days.  His bladder ruptured so he had to have emergency surgery.  I have him home now, but that is super challenging too with his treatment.  He’s taking 4 different medications that are all not at the same time.   He needs IV fluids under the skin everyday.  I’ve tried to do it myself the last two days and the attempts were very unsuccessful.  Today I managed to stab myself in the knuckle with his IV needle so now my knuckle is swollen and bruised.  His bladder and urethra are having spasms off and on due to all the trauma, so he leaks urine at times when he’s sleeping.  So I’ve got every piece of furniture covered in plastic and I’m washing blankets twice a day.  I’m not sleeping because I’m watching him.  I haven’t been able to exercise for the last week because I’m taking him back and forth from the emergency vet to the regular vet.

The big project at work that I’ve leading/managing has ran into one delay after another.  None of them have even been remotely my fault, but we are now WEEKS behind.  It was supposed to ready to go-live on Monday (7/2) and we literally just received word just yesterday that I can only now start testing it.  I’ll be lucky if we are ready to go by 8/1 at this point.  I chose the dates for my project with intentionality because other big things follow it.  I have other things in my normal day-to-day job that need to take precedence.  Now I need to do it all, together.  There will be many, many long days ahead with work.

Because I need one more big thing….I’m moving in 3 weeks.  Guess who hasn’t even started packing up her apartment due to all of the above?

George has cost me thousands of dollars I wasn’t expecting (or prepared) to spend.

And lastly, to top it all off, because I have had all this extreme stress and I’m not keeping my body “normal” my heart condition is flaring up.  So I’m dizzy and prone to passing out frequently.

So here is where I am.  How do I manage it all by myself? George comes first, obviously, but how do I keep up all the treatment and such that he needs AND maintain everything I need to do with my job?  I need to be the one doing my packing because I’m weeding things out as I go.  What is the answer?

I’m not writing this post for sympathy or pity.  I’m writing it for clarity.  I need to find a path.  I need to find a way to look at it that I don’t see everything burning.  So.  Without any doubt you can bet as I’m doing some work today that I’ll be doing my normal type-A self…trying to write a flowchart to make all this work.

TODAY I LOVE: Kacey Musgraves’ new album Golden Hour

random friday stuff: vol 4

Hiyo! Things have been way to depressing lately.  All around.  Let’s talk about all the things that are making me happy these days.

  1. Downton Abbey.  When it was on originally I never got past the finale of Season 3.  No spoilers but it was DEVASTATING to me.  So I stopped.  I decided to pick it up again and get past that fateful episode.  I want to start calling it luncheon instead of lunch.  And I really want to wear their gowns.
  2. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. For my birthday last year my super awesome fella got me a Nintendo Switch and this game!  First off, having never really owned a major gaming system, this thing is amazing.  I love it.  That should also tell you I’M TERRIBLE.  But you guys it is so fun.  This game is gorgeous.  You can wander around as you please and explore.  And if you are me, you die quite a lot.  I’m glad I’ve been able to get into the game and even though I’m terrible I’m slowly learning.
  3. Nayyirah Waheed.  Her poetry is LIFE.  I’m a bit obsessed with her lately and have wanted her book Salt but it is super hard to find.
  4. New music from Leon Bridges and Ray LaMontagne.  Oh, and I still can’t stop playing new music from Brandi Carlile and The Secret Sisters (both of whom are playing TOGETHER in Kansas City in June and I want to go so bad it hurts.)
  5. Sea Otters.  While I was in California with my guy a few weeks ago we went to Monterey, CA for a day.  We had dinner at an awesome restaurant right on the bay.  There was a sea otter swimming and hunting right there in the water next to us!!  It was one of the most magical settings and lovely moments.  I still think of it often.
  6. Skin Care.  To say that I’ve become obsessed with skin care and anti-aging would be the understatement of the year.  I’m not sure when I turned the corner of not caring to completely obsessed, but I’m here.  I’ve been using Drunk Elephant products exclusively for the last year now and they are FANTASTIC.  However now I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of K-Beauty and I’m going to add (what feels like) 20 more steps to my process.  As I find things I love I’ll keep you posted.  The constant quest to not look my age is a real thing.
  7. Lastly…for a funny.  My grandma celebrated her 80th birthday a few weeks ago.  We had a little dinner party for her.  This was me trying to drive all the balloons I purchased home (an hour and a half drive.)  I really overshot what would fit in my car.  IMG_2117

TODAY I LOVE: peanut butter (I really need to not buy it.  It’s too good.)

someone has turned on the lights.

7N5A6146My grandmother just had cataract surgery in both of her eyes.  After she got out of the surgery she immediately said, “It is like someone has turned on all the lights!”  I love that.  It is also how I feel right now.  Now that the emotional and dark cloud of April has passed, now that I’ve mostly dealt with lingering emotional baggage, it’s as if someone has turned on all the lights.  Everything is brighter.  Everything is blooming.  Everything has possibility.

Before I move on to new things, I’d be remiss to not thank my dear, dear friends for getting me through a dark period.  I won’t list them; you know who you are.  They diligently tried to keep me focused, always tried to keep me smiling, and became the master of distractions when I needed it.  April was just HARD.  A lot of things that I’d apparently buried and kept swallowed since the divorce resurfaced and I had to deal with them.  I know it had to be frustrating for everyone in my life.  I’m sure you all were asking yourselves the question, “WHY WON’T SHE JUST GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON IT. IS. THE. PAST?!”  Yeah well, I asked myself the same thing.  So there.  But I’m happy to report I’m in a much better place right now.

I have so much to look forward to the remainder of this year! I’m moving into a cute house in a great old neighborhood with my bestie soul sister.  I’m going to Kauai with my fella and his family.  Plus lots of work stuff (that I could turn into very stressful things but I’m going to choose to see it as opportunities to make myself even more awesome.)  <- (Remind me about this statement later on in the year when I’m so stressed I can’t think straight.)

Lastly, as you’ve probably figured out from the last several months I WANTED to be super dedicated to my diet and fitness but I just…haven’t.  It’s embarrassing to say it but it’s true.  I’ve gained back a bit of what I lost last year and I’ve let emotions (see above) rule me for far too long this year.  Today started a new attack.  I’ve got 113 days until Kauai.  That, my friends, is a challenge I’m ready to pounce on.  I think I’ve finally regained the inner motivation and discipline I had the entirety of last year.  It is the only way this is going to work; no one can do it for me.  I’m goal driven and 113 days is an ending within sight.  I won’t make any promises right now because I’m sure you’re all thinking, “Sarah, you’ve said all these things before.”  True.  Just watch and see.  If Kauai wasn’t enough motivation I’m moving in with my friend and that means ANOTHER CLOSET OF CLOTHES.  I’m going to fit into her clothes if it kills me.

Happies.  Goals.  New environments.  Smiles.  Sunny weather.  Pretty flowers.

Someone has turned on the lights.

TODAY I LOVE: the color they painted on my toes last week…it’s called cerulean sea

the flash drive

Be softer with you.
You are a breathing thing.
A memory to someone.
A home to a life.

-Nayyirah Waheed

Today has been hard.  I guess if I’m being honest, the moment the calendar rolled over to April it has been one tough day after another.  April is the month that my ex-husband remarries.

While in my logical and present mind I know this shouldn’t bother me so, it does.  And you could all tell me, “But Sarah, you’ve moved on too.”  Yep, that’s also true.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t mourn the good times I had with one person over the course of 17 years of my life.  Almost HALF my life.  It doesn’t mean I’m not sad that I’ve officially and legally been replaced.  It is a very weird scenario that no one prepares you for in this life.

A long time ago I promised him I would give him a copy of all our years worth of photos and videos.  Since our divorce it has either slipped my mind or I just haven’t wanted to deal with it.  I have to meet him on Tuesday to sign one more lingering legal thing that ties us together and decided it would also be a good time to give him our memories.  So today I have filtered through them; thousands of photos and videos are now housed on a tiny flash drive ready to be delivered.  It’s almost like cutting through every scar, opening it up wide, and letting it all flow again.  One of my FAVORITE ARTISTS OF ALL TIME released an album a month or so ago and the first song guts me but it’s so real for me right now.  Here’s the first verse:

A love song was playing on the radio
It made me me kind of sad because it made me think of you
And I wonder how you’re doing  but I wish I didn’t care
Because I gave you all I had and got the worst of you

By the way, I forgive you
After all, maybe I should thank you
For giving me what I’ve found
‘Cause without you around
I’ve been doing just fine
Except for any time I hear that song

I’m trying to tell myself that this is ok.  I need to get it out, let it hurt, feel it, and move on. It doesn’t do me any good to bottle up the pain like it doesn’t exist because it does.  It’s real.  You can’t link yourself intricately with another person and not mourn the extrication, no matter the circumstances.  The key is to not dwell.

So despite me wanting to write this out and let the whole world read it, I’m trying my very best in this moment to be kind to me.  Feeling the hurt, moving through it, not comparing or assuming things, and recognizing I’m a person that deserves love too.  If anyone out there in this world is in the same spot I am, I hope this gives you some encouragement.  Even though it seems as if I’m saying it from a dark place; I see the light.  And that is positive.  Look for the light.

The memories I unearthed today made me laugh as much as cry.  And in “purging” them to that flash drive I’m choosing to visualize it as emptying my tank.  I’m now all ready for new memories to fill their place.

Bring on the new memories.  Fill up the tank.

TODAY I LOVE: the smell of Earl Grey tea

second breakfast

This post is not going to be about breakfast.  But seriously though…who’s with me on the love of breakfast?  Especially SECOND breakfast?  Yum.  I’m pretty certain second breakfast is my most looked forward to meal of the day.

Thanks for all the positivity and love shown toward my last rather depressing post.  It was not one of my finest moments.  One of my goals with this blog was to be real and I think you’re getting that.  Right or wrong, love or hate, we are not always the happy and polished versions of ourselves.  I mean…I’m currently writing this post under the influence of muscle relaxers and camomile tea, no makeup, and hair that is mostly dry shampoo at this point in the week.  What’s the phrase or tagline the hipsters use these days for things?  I’m currently…rustic?  Authentic? Without ornamentation?  Whatever.  You get my point.  REAL.

This week has been a real treat.   It was as if the universe was like, “Oh Sarah.  Silly you.  You only THINK you’re depressed.  Let’s add a bit more to the pile.”  Enter stage left: migraine.  I’ve had it ALL WEEK.  If you’re one of those unicorn humans that do not get headaches or migraines well yay you.  You don’t know the excruciating pain that your head becomes.  I think I would have gladly paid someone to stab a crowbar through my right eye Walking Dead style.  MAKE IT END.

Before going to my primary care physician (who is great, I like him a lot) and pay loads of money for tests I’m not even sure I needed, I went to my favorite place; my chiropractor.  I know everyone has really strong feelings one way or another in regards to chiropractic care.  I’m very much on the PRO side because they have helped me in ways I can’t even describe.

Anyway, yesterday I went in for a medical massage, an adjustment, and a general once-over to see if they could discern any reason for my migraine.  And they did.  I could try to go into all of it here, but I’m not a medical professional and I was listening to everything they were telling me through a haze of pain.  If I tried to retell it to you now I’m guaranteed to get it wrong.   Long story short: I had a whole bunch of stuff messed up in my neck, a bunch of stuff goofy at the base of my skull, some other funky stuff in my first rib and right pec muscle…all muscle and nerve mess.  Oh and apparently my detox from dairy this week has also contributed.  Who knew?

Anyway, the point of this post is to give a digital shout-out to my favorite homies in town: Drs Eric and Tania Reavis at A Hip Joint.  They really treat the whole YOU not just parts and pieces.  They take their time, listen, educate, and you definitely get the vibe that they care about you feeling better.  I’ve been going to them for the last several years now and cannot recommend them enough.  If you live in my area I’d urge you to give them a try.  If you don’t live here – seek out a great chiropractic doctor.  We are HELL on our bodies.  You’d be surprised how much better you can feel in your daily life, sans medication, just by getting yourself in balance.  Give it a try!

TODAY I LOVE: a great blue pen that is felt tip but doesn’t bleed through the page

ColoradoSprings

I took this photo at sunset in Colorado Springs a few years ago.  It has no real relevance to this post other than I’ve enjoyed looking back on this photo this week.  It reminds me a new day is coming.  

self-portraits & sushi

I’ve been putting this post off.  To be honest, based on my mood right now I probably shouldn’t be writing it either, but oh well.  You’re getting a very honest and real Sarah today, folks.  Hold onto your butts.

A little over a month ago I wrote a blog post about my goals for the next 30-days.  I’m afraid to tell you I was unsuccessful with almost all of them.  I was 100% on my macros and I followed my lifting program.  But everything else?  Nada.  My weight didn’t move even an inch.  After a year of success, followed by 30 days of diet and exercise compliance that resulted in NOTHING…yeah, kinda depressing.

Now, we’re changing up some things and the next two weeks in particular will be a very, very hard reset.  Everything about me is out of whack and I’m not really sure why.  So yes, there is a plan in place and we’ll figure this out.  I will not feel this way forever.  That is the only positive thing coming out of this blog post.

I’ve been taking this photography class in my free time.  I’ve got several road trips on the docket for this year and I want to be on the top of my game remembering the gorgeous things I’m going to get to see and experience.  One of the exercises I’m asked to complete in this class is daily self-portraits.  No, I’m not talking about selfies.  Ok, I guess they are sort of selfies but a lot more difficult to grab.  I took my self-portraits today and decided to get a lot more of my body and not just my face.  Let me give you a word of advice.  When you’re already feeling REALLY down about your appearance, DON’T DO A SELF-PORTRAIT.

Despite how I’m sure this entire post is coming across, this is not a pity or a woe is me post.  I’m just…down.  I’ve had lots of ups.  I’ve had so many ups that it’s hard to talk to you from the valley of the down.

Professionally I was brilliant this week.  I turned my introvert switch off; I sparkled and shined and glowed in my role.  It was very, very…up.  And now I am not.

So tonight I’m watching old Grey’s Anatomy and eating sushi I bought at the grocery store earlier today.   Earlier today I updated apps on my computer and I cleaned out the cabinet in my office.  Maybe I’ll start a new book before bed.  These are all happy things.  So maybe I’m ending this post better than how it started.  🙂

TODAY I LOVE: the smell of grapefruit essential oils being diffused

the next 30 days

I wish I could tell you that I started this year just killing my workouts and nailing my diet and never being lazy or tired or sick or inconsistent.  But that would be a lie.  With the exception of a couple of good weeks, 2018 has been a roiling boil of excuses and exceptions.  It is embarrassing.  Also infuriating.  I woke up this morning just straight up mad.

I don’t like that all my new smaller clothes are a tinge uncomfortable.  I don’t like that I have no energy because I haven’t been eating correctly.  I don’t like being scared to step on the scale.  And I REALLY don’t like feeling like a failure.  This is a really real confession that I hate to admit, but hey, it is what it is.  I hate that in my mind it feels like I’m giving all the doubters what they wanted to see all along.  “I knew she wouldn’t/couldn’t keep it up.”  *WOMP*  That statement is way too much to unpack in this post, but it’s definitely something I’m journaling about privately.  Homegirl has some issues.  I really hate that my mood and thoughts of myself tend to hinge on how comfortable I feel in my skin.

ANYWAY.  I had every intention of being 100% everything this week.  However due to a variety of reason that were out of my control, that didn’t happen.  So here’s what I’m telling you – I’ve made a pact with myself.  All this mess stops here.  I mean, I was perfect with diet and exercise for 8 WEEKS WITH A BROKEN ANKLE.  I can do this.

I love my Apple Watch.  I’m tied to it like I married the thing.  I love that it gives you little challenges to complete every now and again.  I am a sucker for pretty rewards.  (Yes, I was the girl in school who wanted alllllllll the gold stars by her name.  I like shiny things.)  So I’m creating a Sarah Challenge.

In just over 30 days I go to Dallas for a work convention.  There is a pretty good possibility I’m going to have to be fabulous in front of a whole lot of people.  I don’t want to feel like this when I need to be the epitome of self-confidence.  For the next 30 days I’m committing to myself to do the following:

  • Close all my 3 of my apple watch rings every day.
  • Lift/strength training 6 days a week (already do this when I’m consistent.)
  • Auxiliary Class (barre, TRX, yoga, etc.) 2 days a week
  • 100% on my macro levels.  No exceptions. No cheats.
  • Drop at least 5lbs of the fluff I gained over the holidays.  I didn’t handle the holidays and vacation appropriately.  I’ve learned my lesson.  Now I need to fix it.
  • Everyday identify something within me to feel confident about.

I can do this.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.  I just need that line in the sand and the deadline to make it happen.  Once I can get in the groove I’ll be just fine.  No more excuses.  I just can’t do it anymore.

TODAY I LOVE: the entire Drunk Elephant skincare line.  GAME CHANGER.