138 day move streak. 4 perfect months. 21 pounds and 23 inches lost. I’ve had quite the string of accomplishments lately. I’m not trying to brag; I’m just proud of myself. That’s a lot. I had (have) a long way to go. I started this year wanting to be healthier not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. And until the last week or so, I’ve totally killed it. And then I didn’t.
My boyfriend flew home. My best friend flew away. I went back to work where a new season of stressors awaited. My mom had surgery. My brother got hurt. I got food poisoning or a stomach bug or something. It felt like my life was full of all my favorite things and people and then a big vacuum sucked it all away. And it left me empty.
In that emptiness I let go of all the things I worked so hard for. I didn’t count my macros. I didn’t go to the gym. I went to work and I came home. I watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. I did everything to fill the void but actually deal with it. It was truly like I had a mild case of a kind of depression. Nothing really made me happy.
Thankfully, I knew to get myself out of it I’d have to look ahead. It would all pass. I made goals for July. I visited my family. I watched the clouds and reprioritized. I think I’m ready to start over.
I won’t lie; even writing this is as cathartic as it is embarrassing. It’s humbling to admit that mentally I went from wonder woman to fragile vase in a matter of hours. But the reality is I’m human. And these days/weeks are going to happen. I won’t be perfect all the time. I’ve got to learn to cope better. This was a cold reality check that I really don’t have it all together yet. My old mechanisms are still there, under the surface, and will attack if I don’t deal. I didn’t deal.
So I’m starting over. I don’t know how much strength I’ve lost from my week off, but I was at least pleased(?) to note that my scale hadn’t went up any. I hadn’t lost (despite the stomach bug) but at least hadn’t truly gained. It’s going to take me a bit longer to gain my mental strength back.
I wrote this post for me. It’s a checkpoint; a reminder for the future. Thanks for hanging with me.
TODAY I LOVE: Aussie brand deep conditioner (it smells so good!)