identity crisis

For some reason lately I’ve started every conversation with the greeting “Yo.” Or “Heyo.” I have no idea where it has come from, but when you get a “yo” from me instead of a “hello”, welcome to being my friend. You want to know something funny? Every time I say it, and I mean EVERY TIME, this goes through my mind:

Song: Aaron Burr, Sir Musical: Hamilton

And I even sing it. It’s crazy and I kind of love it. I bet you have it in your head now too, right?

So anyway….Yo!

What’s been happening with me? Well, work has been nutso, but I work for a humanitarian aide organization so nutso means helping people in their time of need. You pull yourself up from your boots and get it done. At one point last weekend I thought I had broken something in my foot. I’ve WAY overspent my personal budget and need to get my butt in gear. But in that overspend I FINALLY replaced the record player I lost in my divorce and itmakesmesohappyIcouldscream.

At any rate, this weekend was a good one for me. It did have some strange thoughts that I’m puzzling out this evening. It’s really made me realize I have GOT to figure things out about me. Let me explain.

Last night I spent the evening with my best friend and her family. Her place is so pretty. They’ve worked very hard to make it a gorgeous and serene place. And they have a pool! Anyway, summer is not my favorite because I hate shorts because I hate my legs and I just feel uncomfortable. So for like an hour before I went to her place I just stared into my closet. “What is going to make me look the least fat?” I said it over and over and over. In the end I chose a t-shirt dress that wasn’t the most flattering but it was comfortable. And I had to do self-talk to myself all the way there, telling myself that they like me for me. It is hard work and exhausting fighting your own mind all the time. But I’m willing to do it in order to win in the long run. So, I’m batting that, and how I see myself…

This was my sixth week attending a church in town. I really, really like it. I’ve already met some great people and I think it’s a place that I can find community. I look forward to getting more involved. Anyway, today I met the campus pastor, officially, for kind of the first time. No joke, within probably 3 minutes I’d already blurted out in the most sloppy way that I’m divorced and blah blah blah. I was mortified.

I’m sitting here reflecting on all these things and the only thing I can ask myself is “who the crap am I????” Why am I letting myself have an identity of the fat, shy, embarrassed, divorced, unworthy girl? Why am I wearing the Scarlet Letter of all the things that have happened (or I’ve let happen) in my life? And I’m just playing into it. It’s almost like I’ve accepted this is my role and I should just go with it. (I’ve watched way too much Westworld lately. Just call me Dolores.)

I HAVE to change the script. I have to. Unless I break this wheel I’m never going to see true progress. I’m going to try some new things beginning this week and see if they can help change my behaviors. I’ll report back if they work. Or even if they don’t. This whole blog is about honesty, right?

TODAY I LOVE: my new record player
SONG OF THE DAY: “People Need a Melody” by The Head and the Heart

One thought on “identity crisis”

  1. Keep me up to date on these changes! You’re a beautiful human being, Sarah. We all struggle. My 20 year marriage is testing me. I’m forever trying to find my happy and hoping he can join me. Life is fascinating in so many ways.

    Like

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