something to hold onto

Sometimes I wonder why I still blog. I mean, it is kind of a dying thing. But then I start writing and I remember that sometimes an online journal can be healing. So I think that is where I am today. I don’t know what I need to say, but I need to say it.

Five weeks ago I took off work and took my grandma to the doctor. She had been so nauseous for days and was having pain in her stomach and back. She’s so stubborn, I doubt she would have went to the doctor even then if my brother and I hadn’t pushed her. Her doctor ran some tests and that was when we found all the cancer. It was everywhere. Evenso, Grandma said, “I’m not ready to go yet, fellas. I’ve still got stuff to do.” The next week she had an appointment with a cardio-thoracic surgeon and the next week she had a scoping procedure. And a week after that she was gone. Three weeks. My grandma has been gone from me for 2 weeks now and I still haven’t quite wrapped my mind around it.

You never want to play favorites with family as it would likely hurt someone’s feelings. But she was my favorite. And she knew it. I made sure she knew it. She and I had gotten so close over the last 6 years, and even more so after my divorce. I could tell her anything and everything and she’d just hug me. We’d spent nights staying up late watching movies and talking about life. One year I was there several days every weekend as she was helping me make an afghan throw as a gift. It was so much fun. She had no problems making fun of my crocheting skills. 🙂 She taught me how to make meringue and how to scrub a floor. She taught me how to sew and she demonstrated a work ethic I still try to live up to. Every time I traveled she’d make us get out the atlas and look up where I’d be, so she could find me. She was my bonus-mom, best friend, biggest champion.

Grandma started getting sick about the time the quarantines, work-from-home, and lockdowns really started. After she passed we couldn’t have a funeral. We couldn’t grieve as a family. My brother and I just went back to work.

Everything about this present time just doesn’t seem real. Not leaving the house, strategically planning grocery pick ups, the strain of a busy work schedule, and her being gone. All the things that used to tether me are scattered and I just can’t grasp the strings. It makes one question just how many things can be taken away before you forget who you are?

It sounds so very trivial, but I need to start caring about the things I cared about before all of this. My health, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness, and relationships all need to mean something and be priorities again. I’ve started on those first 4 today…a tiny baby step that I’m not even going to write here because it’s so very small that I’ll discourage myself before I even start. If I can keep adding those babysteps every day, my hope is that they will snowball into bigger leaps.

So that is where I am today. I’m considering this part of my journaling and decided I’d share it with you in case anyone is sitting in the same spot that I am currently. I hope that you can find just one thing to grab onto, and take a tiny babystep to making your grip a little stronger. We’re in this together.

TODAY I LOVE: Animal Crossing New Horizons
SONG OF THE DAY: “Feel Me” by Selena Gomez

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