really moving on

You guys, I really debated if I was going to post this one or not.  It’s likely too personal, too raw, and too real.  (It’s been sitting in my drafts for days and days.)  But you know what?  I decided to hit publish.  Because like I said several posts ago, not every day is bright and shiny.  Some days are hamburger meat: raw, smelly, and squishy.

This past week I found out my ex-husband has been in a relationship for quite some time now.  First things first, let me get this out of the way and be very clear about it: I’m happy for him.  I’m in a relationship with someone too, so none of what I’m saying should be clouded or construed incorrectly under the guise that I’m bitter.  That is so, so, so not the point of this.

I’ve honestly been hoping and praying for quite some time that the right gal would come along for him.  We had our problems in our marriage (obviously, or we wouldn’t be divorced) but he’s a great guy and he deserves to be happy.  It’s just…the reality of actually seeing him with someone else…it’s just weird.  I don’t think you can be with someone, love someone, for 17 years of your life and it not feel strange.  It’s not something your emotions are conditioned to understand at first.  It’s would be like me seeing the same blue sky for years, but then all of the sudden waking up and looking outside and it’s orange.  lol.  It takes some getting used to.  It’s…finality.  I’m sure I’ve made a mess of explaining this, but it sure does feel good to let it out.  That doesn’t stop the slight sting that I feel of finally knowing I’ve been replaced, but at least I know it’s with a good girl.

At any rate, I am really glad that we’ve both moved on and are repairing the damage that we caused each other.  It really does make my heart happy, and I mean that sincerely, that he appears to be happy.  He and I talk a bit, but we haven’t talked about this.  In some ways I’m thankful.  We still care about each other and maybe tiptoe around some stuff so the other doesn’t get hurt.  I appreciate that.

So…how do you wrap up something like this?  🙂 Life moves on and things are definitely changing.  And as I like to say, that’s ok too.

And guess what?!  I actually did the RIGHT thing this time.  I didn’t eat my feelings!  No stress eating macaroni and cheese and pizza and cake for me!

TODAY I LOVE: feeling sunshine on my face

Month 3 Update

If you follow me on twitter or instagram then you’ve already read these results, but it’s worth elaborating.  April was a challenge for me.

This past Saturday marked exactly 3 months to the day I began this new fitness journey.  In those 3 months I’ve lost 16.5 pounds and a total (whole body cumulative) of 21 inches. It’s un-freaking-believable.  If you’re just looking at total number of pounds, it’s really not that much over this length of time.  Back in the day when I would calorie restrict and go nutso on cardio I’d drop weight a lot faster.  But, as I’ve said all along, I’m trying to do it right this time.  Long term.  Lifestyle change.  No more yo-yo.

I really can’t get over the inches.  Yes, even that has slowed down this last month, but it’s still changing.  Muscle is my new drug.  And it is very addicting.

Admittedly, April was hard for me.  I had some traveling and I kinda put myself in cruise control far too many days.  I’ve set some attainable goals for May and I’m kind of excited to see what changes they bring in my 4-month update.  I’m ready to push myself again and be one step closer to that sexy summer confident body.

I’m ready to get stronger physically, mentally, and most of all emotionally.  Even as I write these great numbers I’m really struggling emotionally with some nasties right now.  I’m ready to work those things out too.

Work in progress is a good thing, on all fronts.  Who knows what the finished product will be?!

TODAY I LOVE: 80’s movie ballads (yep, singing at the top of my lungs)

random friday silly things

We don’t need a heavy topic post today.  How about some things that have made me giggle over the last few days?

  • There are two pieces of clothing I’m wearing today that are cinched together with safety pins.  Losing weight has pros and cons.  So yes, my jacket is necessary to hide the pins.  (Before I found the safety pin my skirt was cinched tighter with a large binder clip.  lol)
  • This photo (borrowed from TinyAtlasQuarterly on instagram.)  The photo bomb makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME:FullSizeRender 14
  • The Netflix show Grace and Frankie.  Ok, so some of it is pretty silly, but boy does it make me giggle.
  • This meme, which then makes me sing and dance to Milkshake.  (Borrowed from Hallow and Plank on instagram): FullSizeRender 15
  • This has been shared a million times, but it still makes me laugh.  Yes, I still watch it every time.   Everyday Makeup Tutorial.

 

TODAY I LOVE: that my headache is finally started to recede!

you know what? not everyday is great.

It’s really easy to only write about happy things.  I like writing about accomplishments.  I get downright giddy sharing a life hack that helped me.  It is not fun, however, exposing the underbelly of emotion.  The emotions that bubble up and catch you unawares.  The emotions that make you crawl into yourself and hide until it’s all better.  Sadly, I’m not being a very authentic person if you only get the good side.

Yesterday was just rough.  For the first time in 3 diligent months I just did NOT care about my macros.  I did fine all day but by the time dinner rolled around I was in such a mood that pretty much said, “Screw it” and ate whatever I wanted.  (Thankfully I don’t really keep much in my apartment.)  I had cleaned my office earlier in the day and in doing so it brought up a lot of emotions and memories.  Other than a few items, I hadn’t changed anything since the divorce.  All in all, I was lonely and sad.  And apparently ate my feelings (they taste like macaroni and cheese among other things.)

Afterwards I felt like such a failure.  That is not a great place to be, nor is it at all healthy mentally.  It was one day; one meal.  Lucky for me, my best girl called me out on these unhealthy thoughts and brought me around.  These days are going to happen.  I’ve got to manage my emotions, anticipate how I need to handle things, and not revert to my old way of stress/emotion management.  Life isn’t going to be easy and these moments are going to happen again.  And that’s ok.

Today, my friend, is a new day.  And that’s ok too.

TODAY I LOVE: opening a new tube of toothpaste (it’s evenly distributed!)

 

exercise & travel

I used to think that traveling was great because that meant I didn’t have to workout.  Back in the day when I was running or training for a race, I *might* have a run just to explore a city but I NEVER sought out a gym.  However, when you’re serious about something, even if it’s just getting fit, you find a way to make it happen.

I just returned from my third trip since beginning my new health journey.  This time was different as I didn’t have access to the standard gym.  I had to use alternative means.  I would like to introduce you to The Tube.

71vgE9z+FwL._SX355_

This is a resistance tube that comes in varying strengths and sizes.  It’s small, fits in your suitcase, and can be made into an epic torture device for a great workout.  My best friend/trainer/all around favorite person introduced me to the tube many months ago when we were traveling together.  She had brought hers along in the event our hotel had a crummy gym.

I won’t say all, but MANY of your usual strength training lifts/maneuvers can be done with this unassuming little tube.  As such, I was able to get in all my workouts and lose little ground during my trip last week.  They were great workouts!

If you want it bad enough, you’ll make things happen.  For me, I want to keep seeing the gains that I’m getting to be come a better, fitter, healthier Sarah.

Keep the tube in mind if you need some alternative ideas for fitness and travel.

TODAY I LOVE: tacos.  I just really want to eat a taco right now.

finding happy

Since the divorce and all the stuff after, feelings and emotions all seem more…real.  I don’t mean to say that when I was married I didn’t fully feel things; that’s not it.  I think because I don’t necessarily have someone with me all the time to share in a feeling or emotion, I get the full force of it.  Sometimes I wallow in it (most of the time.)  I’ve had my fair share of pity parties and dance parties.  The highs are high and the lows…well, they are really, really low.  Why is it always easier to share the highs and celebrations with other people but when you’re down you seclude yourself away, thinking you can handle it on your own?

At any rate, this year one of my goals or wishes for myself was to put a concerted effort into finding something, even if it’s something small, to be happy for every day.  It might be the tiniest things or it could be HUGE.  Today will be day 85 of my happy streak.

This exercise has shown me so much.  Some days I get to the end of the day and I think to myself, “I’ve had nothing to be happy about today.  It’s been a total crap day.”  When that happens I’ll force myself to a happier time, something that makes me all warm inside.  Or I’ll start thinking much smaller; like being thankful or happy for the warm drink in my hand or the smile my best friend gave me that morning.  It’s shown me I have so much TO be happy about.  Not all days are great, sure, but I’ve got a huge well to draw from.  It has put a halt to the extended pity parties and makes the highs last longer.

I’ll definitely be keeping up the happy streak.  Maybe you should start one too!

Be happy, my friends.

TODAY I LOVE: gummy vitamins

 

let’s talk about muscle

I had the most eye-opening realization this past week and I have to share.  I’ll be honest – the whole concept of “muscle” has really been quite foreign to me most of my life.  And what I mean by muscle is actually TRYING to attain any kind of muscle growth/definition that was outside of the typical girl “I’m just toning up” mentality.

For the last 9 weeks I’ve been marching to the beat of a different drum, attempting to get my body to repair and change in a healthy and long-term sustainable manner.  I’ll talk about exactly what I’m doing in a different post at a later time.

Periodically over the last 3 years I’ve kept weight logs and measurement logs and stored them in my journal app on my phone.  Since I’ve begun this new way of life (and stuck with it), I take my weight every day.  That’s been something I’ve had to get used to, but honestly it doesn’t freak me out or depress me as once as it once did.  And the reason why is in my “eye-opening realization.”  🙂

In addition to weighing every day, I take new measurements every month.  Last week I took my two-month measurements.  Since beginning this journey I’ve dropped 11 pounds and 16 inches (total  full body.)  The number on the scale is still awful; I’ve got loads of weight to drop, but I’m losing FAT.  I was bored this past weekend so I was reading through my journal app for old entries and such and stumbled upon one of my measurement entries.  It was when I was at my lowest weight in a while, July 2015.  I was 20lbs lighter than what I am right now.  But get this – in the measurements I was only 4 INCHES different (total).  And yes, it was all in the butt and thighs (this girl has a ghetto booty.)  Can you believe that?!  Only 4 inches.

Inconceivable!  All that stuff people tell you about muscle being heavier BUT “slimmer” is so true.  I wouldn’t have believed it if the measurements hadn’t been my own.   If nothing else this whole exercise is teaching me that the number on the scale really truly isn’t the whole picture. (Some days it’s harder to remember that than others, like when it goes up, but hey, baby steps.)

Muscle for the win!

TODAY I LOVE: the sound of the rain on the roof.  We need the rain!