heartburn.

I changed my hair color this week. I needed change. I am obsessed with it. Red!

Hello all. I know I’ve been MIA the last several weeks and I’m sorry for that. Life has been happening.

Lots of life has been happening. Real life with hard emotions, big decisions, love, loss, and forging forward. And with all that stuff, I just needed to turn inward and work through it. I’m still working through it and that’s ok. At any rate, I don’t want to talk about it, but it all leads me to where I am this day.

The anxiety/stress/emotional drain of all the things made all my symptoms (acid, nausea, etc.) return. Therefore, as food as been constantly the same with no changes in 4 weeks, I think it is safe to say my issues are something else (not entirely food related.) So, although this extreme diet didn’t give me the results I was ultimately looking for (solving my health issues), it DID help me know that with that variable constant, it is something else in my body that is wrong.

I’ve slowly started adding some food back into the rotation. I cannot tell you how very wonderful that first cup of coffee tasted. Best cuppa ever. It does, however, give me heartburn. It has been fascinating adding food back in and monitoring what it does to me. For instance, either gluten OR sugar make my sinuses stuff right up and make it hard to breathe. I ate at cookie and within an hour my sinuses were swollen. WEIRD. I haven’t had another one to test it again.

My next steps on my health journey will be to get back in touch with my doctor and see what’s up. Ulcer? Overactive hiatal hernia? Yeah, I don’t know. I do know this: I have GOT to get my stress/anxiety under control and managed.

I added yoga into the mix this week. I’ve never really given yoga fair shake and I kinda feel bad about that. I found an app that has yoga “classes” and I’m hoping by adding this at the end of my day and focusing on the breathing and the mindset, it will help me mentally just as much as physically. I’m about as flexible as a concrete pole, so we shall see how this goes. πŸ˜€ I’ve been practicing this habit for a week now and I can definitely say it has helped me mentally. I do it right when I get home from work, consciously trying to let out the bad and in the good and LET. THINGS. GO.

Thanks for hanging with me. I still have the note “Not Today” taped to one of my computer monitors at work. I’ve been staring at it a lot this week, remembering why I put it there in the first place. Not Today. Not Today. Today I will not give into all the feelings that brought me to the bottom.

TODAY I LOVE: savasana (corpse pose in yoga)…I can do this one.
SONG OF THE DAY: “God Willing and the Creek Don’t Rise” by Ray LaMontagne and The Pariah Dogs

changing my perspective

Just me…starting to find clarity in the fog

There are so many different directions I thought about writing this post. It has been a week of so many different reflections and observations. Which do I pick?

Last week I told you all how I was beginning an Elimination Diet this week. Well, I did started it. Y’all…it’s not easy. There are more things that you CAN’T eat versus what you can. It makes business lunches and social lives very difficult. I wouldn’t be surprised if I refuse to eat ground turkey for YEARS after this is all over.

The point of this post is not the diet, but I do want to give a few physical things that have happened over the course of these last 7 days. I’ve still been measuring and tracking what I’m eating, not to control (diet) but to make sure I’m getting enough calories. It is a lot tougher than you think trying to get enough calories when all you can eat (for the most part) is veggies, fruits, and turkey. I’ve ranged between 1,300-1,600 calories each day. My one 1,600 calorie day was a huge achievement. I was pleased. πŸ™‚ So, things I’ve noticed so far…I sleep very well. Sound. My legs haven’t ached. I haven’t taken an allergy pill all week. No Pepto and I’ve been able to lessen the antacid to just 1 pill a day most days. No bloating. The downside: major, major, excruciating headaches. I think I’m going on day 4 of the headache from hell. I’m sweating more than usual. It’s weird and GROSS. Working out was hard. Very hard. Honestly, it’s all been hard. And I don’t foresee it being easier next week. Or the week after that.

It’s only been one week, but I already have things I’m learning about myself and the people I surround myself with, and I’m not talking physical things. I’m learning who is really with me and who isn’t. I’m learning that I am very strong and when I set my mind to something, I have the discipline to do it 100%.

This morning in church the message was on perspective. I’m not going to go into the religious side of things, because that’s not really what this blog is about, but the overarching topic of “perspective” is definitely going to be something I use as a tool for this coming week. I can continue to look at all the things I cannot do or cannot eat or how very miserable I am, OR I can try to look at it differently.

I’m able to do this; I have healthy wholesome food at my disposal. I’m taking my health in my own hands. This type of fast is really helping me zero in on WHO and WHAT matters. The things that make me happy are all the more sweeter.

Week 2, here I come.

TODAY I LOVE: fresh peaches from the farmer’s market
SONG OF THE DAY: “Burden” by Foy Vance

church, chores, cheering up

Happy Sunday, fam! We did it. We’ve made it to what I’m beginning to think is the most pivotal day of the week.

To be totally honest, I don’t really like Sundays. The weekend is over and I start stressing over the week to come. For the longest time I used to (and sometimes still do) tell people to not even bother asking me if I wanted to do anything on a Sunday. Because I won’t. Sundays have taken on a pattern.

I get up and go to church. And I love my church. That’s all fine and good. After church I come home and do all my chores (housework, laundry, food prep, etc.). Sometimes I’ll do some work work, just to get ahead for Monday. And then I’ll spend the rest of what is left of the day trying to do things that don’t make me sad or stress me out.

That is Sunday for me.

This morning as I was laying in bed, contemplating the day, and already letting the woes of the week hang heavy, I tried to reframe the week ahead. And honestly, doing a “review” of the week behind me. I put positives with the negatives. Here’s a few of mine today:

  • My average weight is up a pound, even though I did very good with diet and bonus cardio. My weight is up, BUT I lifted heavier on squats this week that I have in a long time. I did 215lbs for 4 reps! On my 6th set! I’m hella strong!
  • Work last week was not good. AT ALL. Everything I touched turned to flames and I didn’t get near as much accomplished as I needed to. BUT tomorrow is a new day, and I have a plan to attack the problems. Planners rule.
  • My budget is super duper tight right now. It squeaks every time I have to spend a penny. BUT I am bound and determined that all my financial woes are not going to be the death of me. Failure happens, and I’ve failed a LOT, but it’s not the end. So instead of thinking about how hard things are, I’m going to be glad I think I finally have a plan to give me light at the end of the tunnel.
  • I have two zits on my face. But I have no positives for them. They suck.

So maybe Sunday, instead of being the dreary ugh day of the week, maybe it needs to be kinda like the pep rally for the week head. I still have to do my chores and such, but I think if I switched up my thinking to start believing Sunday is the day before something big…I’ll handle it better.

Sunday is ——- the excitement the day before vacation
Sunday is ——- the night before a marathon
Sunday is ——- the 30 minutes before your favorite band takes the stage

What is Sunday for you?

TODAY I LOVE: air conditioning (hallelujah!)
SONG OF THE DAY: “Redesigning Women” by The Highwomen

I really like your dress!

Does anyone else out there struggle receiving compliments? Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing them in my soul. They make me feel so good. It’s almost like every one you get, it is a helium balloon tied to your thoughts…it just keeps lifting them up. And when you’re not used to hearing compliments in a while, it’s like 5 balloons at once. It is the best feeling.

But nevertheless, after someone gives me a compliment I almost always say something self-deprecating and then I convince myself they only told it to me to be nice. I mean, they couldn’t possibly mean it.

I mean, why do we do this to ourselves? I read a tweet the other day that said, “Rejecting a compliment is like asking for it twice.” WHOA. It’s kinda right. So then you have to ask, why do we do that to the people giving you the compliment?!

On Friday a co-worker complimented my dress and instead of just saying “thank you” and smiling, I replied with “Thanks, it’s not flattering at all and makes me look huge with the stripes, but it’s comfy.” To which, she had to say, “No, I think it’s cute!” WHY DO I DO THAT?! I was not nice to myself and then I made her say it twice. Bleh.

I have to get better at this. There should be some kind of training on being better at receiving compliments without attaching strings and conditions.

Anyway, those are my thoughts this week. πŸ™‚

TODAY I LOVE: cucumbers from the farmer’s market
SONG OF THE DAY: “Movement” by Hozier

peace like welcome rain

Good morning, friends and Happy Sunday! It’s raining here in Missouri, again. I’m pretty sure it’s been raining for the last 6 months. It has been the weirdest year here in the midwest. Lately I’ve been so grumpy when it rains. Now that I’m living alone and yard duties are mine, every time it rains the very first thought that goes through my mind is “That damn yard is just gonna grow faster.” But today, well, today I’m pretty amazingly content.

Lots of happenings this week and for once I’m sitting here on a Sunday looking at all of them positively! I haven’t felt well for quite some time but haven’t been able to put my finger on what it might be. After a lengthy visit with my chiropractor (but they are basically my everything doctor because they fix everything and I trust them with my life) I think he might be on a path to figuring out what’s going on. I won’t go into it all here, because I’m likely to type it up all wrong and some of you real medical professionals will yell at me for misinterpretation. So – let’s just leave it at I’m changing some things from my diet and eliminating others. I also need less stress, but if any of you have more ideas on how to fix that I’m open. All that to say, I’m not fixed, but maybe I’m now on a path to an answer. Make sense?

I was also super brave this week and left the Sarah Cave. And guess what!? I met new people. And it was amazing. I want to talk more about that but it’s still fresh and special and new and like a little bird I’m going to foster my new peeps quietly for a bit.

So, I’m sitting here this rainy Sunday in a great state of peace. I’ve got Gregory Alan Isakov crooning me from my record player, I just put chicken in the crockpot to eat on the for the week, I’ve got a mug of hot tea, all the lamps on….NEED I KEEP GOING!?

This is me you guys. No makeup. No contacts. Bedhead. A Colorado mug because I GET TO GO SEE GREGORY AT RED ROCKS IN A MONTH. This is me with a happy smile, enjoying where I am in this minute at this time.

I just thought you should know that I’m not always doom and gloom and sad. I’m just getting better and recognizing sometimes happiness is in the small things.

(Total transparency, there is a filter on this photo. It’s called “I Am Enough.” So I just had to use it.) πŸ™‚

TODAY I LOVE: the sound of rolling thunder outside
SONG OF THE DAY: “The Universe” by Gregory Alan Isakov

you enjoy YOU.

by Craig Groeschel

Hello everyone! Happy Sunday! I thought I’d check in and say “yo!” First off, thanks to all of you lovelies for being so real with me after my post last week. Because of your words I decided not to delete it.

I saw this quote the other day and decided to share it because it really stuck with me. (See above.) Isn’t it the truth?! And it applies to a whole lot of things…we can be perfectly content and happy with our lot…until we see our neighbor next door. BAM! What we have, or what we were overjoyed to be having, suddenly isn’t good enough.

This week I had some happies and I had some sads. And both are perfectly ok. I had some victories at work and I spent some quality time with my family yesterday celebrating Father’s Day. I’m also battling allergies that are going to be the death of me and my former wedding anniversary snuck up and bit me in the butt. Week #3 of counting my macros and I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t gained.

Up and down. High and low. Win and loss. It’s life, folks. I’m happy to report that this week I (for the most part) kept my emotions riding right down the middle between the two extremes.

If I can offer any kind of word for this week, it’s remember the quote above. You enjoy your YOU. YOUR LIFE. Everyone else is doing their own thing and probably comparing themselves to someone else too. Maybe even you. Skip all that and just take the joy. (I’m taping this up in my office this week, as a reminder for me too.)

TODAY I LOVE: my polaroid camera…I got a few photos of me and my brother yesterday that make me laugh SO HARD.
SONG OF THE DAY: “Sound and Color” by Alabama Shakes

two sides of the same coin

Change is good and change is hard. My therapist once told me that every relationship (especially marriage) is a contract that has to constantly be renegotiated. We are human and we change. Because of those changes, negotiation has to happen or the relationship breaks. I think that can happen to your relationship with yourself too.

I’m in this weird season of life where it feels like everything, once again, is changing. If it were just one or two things, I probably wouldn’t feel it so hard. But it’s a lot of things. My home is changing, my job environment is changing, all my relationships are changing. And in the process of all of that, I’m trying to change me too.

I’m 38 years old and it feels like everything in my life is sand on the beach; unstable and constantly shifting.

Yesterday I posted a selfie. And bless ALL OF YOUR HEARTS, you showered me with compliments. I promise you, the intent of posting it was not to be fishing for compliments. The intent was for me. I felt good in that moment and rather than letting it pass, I wanted to acknowledge it.

It is no secret if you follow me on social media that I LOVE the new The Head and the Heart album. I’m so obsessed right now that I probably listen to the whole thing at least once a day. Here is one line in the first track that has stuck with me for a week. I sing it over and over.

Until you learn to love yourself
the door is locked to someone else

“See You Through My Eyes” by The Head and the Heart

So. That. I’ve got a long way to go. I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but here goes. It wasn’t 3 hours after I took the original photo I was proud of, where I felt pretty, that I turned into this: a sobbing, snotty, wet, mess. It is a tale of two Sarahs. The Sarah on the right is insecurity, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and poor self-worth. The Sarah on the right is the one that I need to get smaller and smaller. And she’s taking all my energy among all the other change.

I’m likely going to regret posting this and I hope that I can retain my nerve and not delete it later. It is hard to be so open. But I can’t do this alone. And so far, being so raw and open, has brought me a community. And maybe someone out there needs to see that not every pretty picture you see is the whole truth, that there might be a sobbing, snotting one right behind it. If you’re that person too….you are not alone. And together we can get though this.

TODAY I LOVE: Watermelon!
SONG OF THE DAY: “Fix You” by Coldplay