Does anyone else out there struggle receiving compliments? Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing them in my soul. They make me feel so good. It’s almost like every one you get, it is a helium balloon tied to your thoughts…it just keeps lifting them up. And when you’re not used to hearing compliments in a while, it’s like 5 balloons at once. It is the best feeling.
But nevertheless, after someone gives me a compliment I almost always say something self-deprecating and then I convince myself they only told it to me to be nice. I mean, they couldn’t possibly mean it.
I mean, why do we do this to ourselves? I read a tweet the other day that said, “Rejecting a compliment is like asking for it twice.” WHOA. It’s kinda right. So then you have to ask, why do we do that to the people giving you the compliment?!
On Friday a co-worker complimented my dress and instead of just saying “thank you” and smiling, I replied with “Thanks, it’s not flattering at all and makes me look huge with the stripes, but it’s comfy.” To which, she had to say, “No, I think it’s cute!” WHY DO I DO THAT?! I was not nice to myself and then I made her say it twice. Bleh.
I have to get better at this. There should be some kind of training on being better at receiving compliments without attaching strings and conditions.
Anyway, those are my thoughts this week. 🙂
TODAY I LOVE: cucumbers from the farmer’s market SONG OF THE DAY: “Movement” by Hozier
Good morning, friends and Happy Sunday! It’s raining here in Missouri, again. I’m pretty sure it’s been raining for the last 6 months. It has been the weirdest year here in the midwest. Lately I’ve been so grumpy when it rains. Now that I’m living alone and yard duties are mine, every time it rains the very first thought that goes through my mind is “That damn yard is just gonna grow faster.” But today, well, today I’m pretty amazingly content.
Lots of happenings this week and for once I’m sitting here on a Sunday looking at all of them positively! I haven’t felt well for quite some time but haven’t been able to put my finger on what it might be. After a lengthy visit with my chiropractor (but they are basically my everything doctor because they fix everything and I trust them with my life) I think he might be on a path to figuring out what’s going on. I won’t go into it all here, because I’m likely to type it up all wrong and some of you real medical professionals will yell at me for misinterpretation. So – let’s just leave it at I’m changing some things from my diet and eliminating others. I also need less stress, but if any of you have more ideas on how to fix that I’m open. All that to say, I’m not fixed, but maybe I’m now on a path to an answer. Make sense?
I was also super brave this week and left the Sarah Cave. And guess what!? I met new people. And it was amazing. I want to talk more about that but it’s still fresh and special and new and like a little bird I’m going to foster my new peeps quietly for a bit.
So, I’m sitting here this rainy Sunday in a great state of peace. I’ve got Gregory Alan Isakov crooning me from my record player, I just put chicken in the crockpot to eat on the for the week, I’ve got a mug of hot tea, all the lamps on….NEED I KEEP GOING!?
This is me you guys. No makeup. No contacts. Bedhead. A Colorado mug because I GET TO GO SEE GREGORY AT RED ROCKS IN A MONTH. This is me with a happy smile, enjoying where I am in this minute at this time.
I just thought you should know that I’m not always doom and gloom and sad. I’m just getting better and recognizing sometimes happiness is in the small things.
(Total transparency, there is a filter on this photo. It’s called “I Am Enough.” So I just had to use it.) 🙂
TODAY I LOVE: the sound of rolling thunder outside SONG OF THE DAY: “The Universe” by Gregory Alan Isakov
Hello everyone! Happy Sunday! I thought I’d check in and say “yo!” First off, thanks to all of you lovelies for being so real with me after my post last week. Because of your words I decided not to delete it.
I saw this quote the other day and decided to share it because it really stuck with me. (See above.) Isn’t it the truth?! And it applies to a whole lot of things…we can be perfectly content and happy with our lot…until we see our neighbor next door. BAM! What we have, or what we were overjoyed to be having, suddenly isn’t good enough.
This week I had some happies and I had some sads. And both are perfectly ok. I had some victories at work and I spent some quality time with my family yesterday celebrating Father’s Day. I’m also battling allergies that are going to be the death of me and my former wedding anniversary snuck up and bit me in the butt. Week #3 of counting my macros and I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t gained.
Up and down. High and low. Win and loss. It’s life, folks. I’m happy to report that this week I (for the most part) kept my emotions riding right down the middle between the two extremes.
If I can offer any kind of word for this week, it’s remember the quote above. You enjoy your YOU. YOUR LIFE. Everyone else is doing their own thing and probably comparing themselves to someone else too. Maybe even you. Skip all that and just take the joy. (I’m taping this up in my office this week, as a reminder for me too.)
TODAY I LOVE: my polaroid camera…I got a few photos of me and my brother yesterday that make me laugh SO HARD. SONG OF THE DAY: “Sound and Color” by Alabama Shakes
Change is good and change is hard. My therapist once told me that every relationship (especially marriage) is a contract that has to constantly be renegotiated. We are human and we change. Because of those changes, negotiation has to happen or the relationship breaks. I think that can happen to your relationship with yourself too.
I’m in this weird season of life where it feels like everything, once again, is changing. If it were just one or two things, I probably wouldn’t feel it so hard. But it’s a lot of things. My home is changing, my job environment is changing, all my relationships are changing. And in the process of all of that, I’m trying to change me too.
I’m 38 years old and it feels like everything in my life is sand on the beach; unstable and constantly shifting.
Yesterday I posted a selfie. And bless ALL OF YOUR HEARTS, you showered me with compliments. I promise you, the intent of posting it was not to be fishing for compliments. The intent was for me. I felt good in that moment and rather than letting it pass, I wanted to acknowledge it.
It is no secret if you follow me on social media that I LOVE the new The Head and the Heart album. I’m so obsessed right now that I probably listen to the whole thing at least once a day. Here is one line in the first track that has stuck with me for a week. I sing it over and over.
Until you learn to love yourself the door is locked to someone else
“See You Through My Eyes” by The Head and the Heart
So. That. I’ve got a long way to go. I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but here goes. It wasn’t 3 hours after I took the original photo I was proud of, where I felt pretty, that I turned into this: a sobbing, snotty, wet, mess. It is a tale of two Sarahs. The Sarah on the right is insecurity, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and poor self-worth. The Sarah on the right is the one that I need to get smaller and smaller. And she’s taking all my energy among all the other change.
I’m likely going to regret posting this and I hope that I can retain my nerve and not delete it later. It is hard to be so open. But I can’t do this alone. And so far, being so raw and open, has brought me a community. And maybe someone out there needs to see that not every pretty picture you see is the whole truth, that there might be a sobbing, snotting one right behind it. If you’re that person too….you are not alone. And together we can get though this.
TODAY I LOVE: Watermelon! SONG OF THE DAY: “Fix You” by Coldplay
I’ve had one of those days today where my emotions have been up/down/up/down/up/down. REPEAT TIMES 1,000. I’ve been so “up” that I’ve giggled with satisfaction of a big win, and I’ve been so “down” that I literally almost passed out because my adrenaline dropped from anxiety/stress over other news. Yeah, it’s been a day. But it reminded me of one thing I’ve failed to tell you all lately. There is an upside.
I’ve written a lot over the last few weeks about how I’m struggling. It is no secret, I’m still struggling. I probably WILL be struggling for a while. You can’t fix years of emotional conditioning in just a few weeks. But I don’t want this home to just be a negative space. I’m not really sure why it seems easier to talk about the ugly stuff, but it is. In a way a success seems…braggy?
In the last 6 weeks I have seen and felt change in me. Maybe not in outward appearances, but inside. I’m smiling more. I’m talking more. I’ve intentionally taken myself out of my comfort zone time and time again and it hasn’t hurt me yet. I’ve even let a few people see the real Sarah and they haven’t run away. They’ve run toward. I’ve given up control in some areas and it’s helped immensely.
I think once I accepted that I’m at the bottom, I realized that everything I do that brings a smile to my face or helps me sleep at night, can be considered a win. Every win brings me closer to not carrying around the backpack of anxiety, to being ashamed to look in the mirror, and to feeling unworthy.
In a day full of ups and downs, I’m going to celebrate my ups. I’m also going to celebrate that recoveredfrom the downs (and didn’t just live there! And didn’t eat a pint of ice cream in the process.)
To all of you who have been interacting with me privately, I hope you’re celebrating today too. Find something to celebrate. All these little wins add up.
TODAY I LOVE: the smell of honeysuckle SONG OF THE DAY: “Below My Feet” by Mumford & Sons
For some reason lately I’ve started every conversation with the greeting “Yo.” Or “Heyo.” I have no idea where it has come from, but when you get a “yo” from me instead of a “hello”, welcome to being my friend. You want to know something funny? Every time I say it, and I mean EVERY TIME, this goes through my mind:
And I even sing it. It’s crazy and I kind of love it. I bet you have it in your head now too, right?
What’s been happening with me? Well, work has been nutso, but I work for a humanitarian aide organization so nutso means helping people in their time of need. You pull yourself up from your boots and get it done. At one point last weekend I thought I had broken something in my foot. I’ve WAY overspent my personal budget and need to get my butt in gear. But in that overspend I FINALLY replaced the record player I lost in my divorce and itmakesmesohappyIcouldscream.
At any rate, this weekend was a good one for me. It did have some strange thoughts that I’m puzzling out this evening. It’s really made me realize I have GOT to figure things out about me. Let me explain.
Last night I spent the evening with my best friend and her family. Her place is so pretty. They’ve worked very hard to make it a gorgeous and serene place. And they have a pool! Anyway, summer is not my favorite because I hate shorts because I hate my legs and I just feel uncomfortable. So for like an hour before I went to her place I just stared into my closet. “What is going to make me look the least fat?” I said it over and over and over. In the end I chose a t-shirt dress that wasn’t the most flattering but it was comfortable. And I had to do self-talk to myself all the way there, telling myself that they like me for me. It is hard work and exhausting fighting your own mind all the time. But I’m willing to do it in order to win in the long run. So, I’m batting that, and how I see myself…
This was my sixth week attending a church in town. I really, really like it. I’ve already met some great people and I think it’s a place that I can find community. I look forward to getting more involved. Anyway, today I met the campus pastor, officially, for kind of the first time. No joke, within probably 3 minutes I’d already blurted out in the most sloppy way that I’m divorced and blah blah blah. I was mortified.
I’m sitting here reflecting on all these things and the only thing I can ask myself is “who the crap am I????” Why am I letting myself have an identity of the fat, shy, embarrassed, divorced, unworthy girl? Why am I wearing the Scarlet Letter of all the things that have happened (or I’ve let happen) in my life? And I’m just playing into it. It’s almost like I’ve accepted this is my role and I should just go with it. (I’ve watched way too much Westworld lately. Just call me Dolores.)
I HAVE to change the script. I have to. Unless I break this wheel I’m never going to see true progress. I’m going to try some new things beginning this week and see if they can help change my behaviors. I’ll report back if they work. Or even if they don’t. This whole blog is about honesty, right?
TODAY I LOVE: my new record player SONG OF THE DAY: “People Need a Melody” by The Head and the Heart
Hello, friends! Did everyone have a good weekend? I certainly did. I didn’t do anything special. It was just relaxing. Who all watched the Game of Thrones finale? I might be the lone ranger in this opinion, but I liked it. I went into this last season with no preconceived ideas on how I wanted it to end. There are so many characters, so many story lines, so many subplots that have been built over the course of 10 years that it was a near impossible task to tie them all up to EVERYONE’S satisfaction. I think it ended beautifully. Even the violence in the end was graceful. (No spoilers.)
ANYWAY. Moving on.
I heard a quote this weekend that I’ve been mulling over. Here is is:
The disease to please is a form of addiction.
Any folks out there struggle with the need for approval? People pleasers? Worry constantly about what people think? Just me?
For me, I don’t need constant pats on the head, or constant words telling me (like a dog) “Sarah, you’re such a good girl! Such a good job!” My anxiety and stress comes from the constant worry of making sure everyone is ok with me. I hate telling people “no”, and worry when I do that I’ve immediately made that person upset at me. I’m forever giving up whatever I do want to do, for fear of hurting someones feelings or disappointing them. I’m positive every person who has ever texted me (about anything) has also received a text from me that says, “Everything ok?” And I usually send that solely because I hadn’t heard from them in a while and I’m worried some action I’ve done has made them upset at me.
I. WORRY. ALL. THE. TIME.
So, in this way, that quote is very accurate for me. I can’t stop.
But I need to.
It’s a hard pill to swallow thinking that there will be some people that will be disappointed in some of the decisions I make, or words that I say. But here’s the deal: do I expect this same level of care from everyone in my life? NOPE. Not even close. Things are said to me all the time, off the cuff, that hurt my feelings or make me feel little. But then I get over it and move on. People tell me no, why can’t I do the same? Why am I holding myself to such an unreachable standard?
Of all the things I’m trying to correct in my life, I need to make this a focus. It feels like I have so many irons in the fire to help my anxiety, but if I keep living and curating my actions based on the perception of others feelings, I’m never truly going to heal. This is a tough one for me.
TODAY I LOVE: the smell of peonies SONG OF THE DAY: “Breathe Again” by Sleeping at Last (cover)