a sight to see

Where do I even begin? When I last wrote my birthday was on the horizon and I was super optimistic about October and the goals I was ready to smash out. Yeah, so none of that really happened. Ok, my birthday happened. But that is it. I am indeed 39 years old. Father Time decided to kick me right in the right eyeball.

If you follow me on any social media channels you know that I’ve been fighting the worst eye infection EVER. But Sarah, how did it happen? That seems to be the most prevalent question I get asked. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Truthfully, we kind of have no idea.

One morning I woke up and went to work and my right contact was bothering me. No big deal. We had a big weather front moving in and my sinuses were full of pressure and protesting so I didn’t even think twice about my eyes. Both eyes were watering and my nose was running, all from sinus pressure. I got home that night, took out my contacts, and went to bed. I was woken in the middle of the night by pain in my eye. Searing, something-is-stuck-in-my-eye pain. I tried everything I knew to do to flush out my eye. It felt like I had a piece of glass under my top eyelid. I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night for the pain. I called my eye doc the next morning and got in that afternoon. There was nothing in my eye, but it had a pretty nasty corneal abrasion (fancy term for I cut my eye). Doc put a contact bandage on it and loaded me with antibiotic drops, as I was supposed to fly to Florida the next day for a work trip. Needless to say, it was dramatically worse by the next morning so I didn’t leave.

24 hours apart

I went back to the eye doc that next morning and you know it’s bad when they say, “Holy s*&^, it’s literally getting worse as you’ve been sitting here!” Within 24 hours my eye went from normal to zombie. There are no compound pharmacies open on the weekend, so the doc had me putting antibiotic drops in my eyes every 30 minutes – all day and all night. You got it, no sleep. They just didn’t want it to get worse. And it kept getting worse. And the PAIN. You guys I can’t even describe the pain.

By Monday they had me working with an Eye Disease & Injury Doc and a surgeon. Alternating.

I’m in week #3 of the healing process. We are in the middle of a delicate balancing act. I still have infection in my eye that we need to treat with some super-charged-cost-as-much-as-a-house antibiotics, and also dealing with my newly mangled cornea. You can’t really do both at the same time. Nobody knows yet what the fallout to my vision is going to be once we get the infection eradicated and determine scar damage on my cornea.

But Sarah, how did this happen? I seem to get two answers. I guess this type of thing is relatively common with contact wearers, although no doctor I’ve spoken to yet has found any fault in my procedures. I’ve worn contacts for probably 20 years. Second, water. Everyone keeps freaking out about water. And I flushed that eye out with water A LOT when I thought there was something stuck in it. Hey guys – don’t do that.

All that said, I’m trying really hard to make the best of it. It’s hard to have a great attitude all the time when it’s very hard to see and I feel like I look like a troll. My friends have been ah-mazing. There is no way I could have done this without my friends and family and co-workers. I have a very long list of thank-yous to write. I’m mentally and emotionally in a good place. I’m thankful that if this had to happen to me, I’m glad it happened now rather than earlier this year when I broke.

So. I’ll leave October with a kiss on the cheek and a wave. Maybe a small smack on the back of the head. GOOD-BYE. I look forward to SEEING you, November. I have good feelings about you. ūüôā

TODAY I LOVE: steroid eye drops…manna from heaven
SONG OF THE DAY: “Killing you, Killing Me” by Jamestown Revival

gasp! we are all broken in some way.

Don’t let anyone fool you, especially those pretty put-together instagram folks, no one is perfect. ¬†It’s so very simple to take photos or share the one tiny corner of your life that is clean, tidy, skinny, modern, detailed, polished, or beautified while ignoring the other 98% that is “normal.” ¬†(I cannot tell you how long we discussed “what is normal and who decides it?” in my abnormal psych class in college.) ¬†Anyway, today’s post is a raw one. ¬†A real one.

So, if you’ve been keeping up with me at all over the last several months, you know I’m working hard on my fitness journey to lose weight, gain confidence, and be fit. ¬†I’ve made so many great strides. ¬†When I’m having a good mental day, I feel really good about myself. ¬†But then I have those days where I don’t. ¬†Those days where all I see are lumps and bumps, stretch marks, bruises, and just how much further I have to go in my journey.

Those days it’s hard to remember how far I’ve come. ¬†It’s hard to remember that I’m not the only person out there who isn’t perfect. ¬†I posted a “progress” photo the other day on instagram and while most people have been simply wonderful it’s hard to deal with some of the things others have said. ¬†Things I’ve heard:

  • Um, whoa. ¬†I had no idea you looked like that.
  • It’s taken you 7 months?
  • I mean…look at your arm!
  • Still losing that weight? ¬†Lookin’ better.

First of all, yes, I was a lot larger and unhappy with myself when I started. ¬†That’s a known fact to me. ¬†Why do you think I wanted to change? ¬†But some people, when they say these things, it’s not in the “nice criticism” way. ¬†It’s more of the “wow, I had no idea you were so gross and why did it take you so long to get to now.” (Before you yell at me for getting upset over criticism over a photo I willingly put out into the world – don’t. ¬†I opened myself up to it.) ¬†I’m certainly strong enough to smile away the negativity if it were to give someone else out there hope.

Anyway, it is just one of those days where I’m focusing on remembering why I do this. ¬†That not everything I see is perfect for everyone else either. ¬†I could tidy up one corner of my apartment and make it look magazine amazing, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the place looks like a tornado went through it. ¬†Those beautiful people on instagram likely aren’t so polished and lump-free all the time either.

Unbroken people are a rare find. ¬†And I’m ok. ¬†I’m perfectly normal and perfectly me.

TODAY I LOVE:  garden fresh tomatoes