beauty – creating a queen

two sides of the same coin

Change is good and change is hard. My therapist once told me that every relationship (especially marriage) is a contract that has to constantly be renegotiated. We are human and we change. Because of those changes, negotiation has to happen or the relationship breaks. I think that can happen to your relationship with yourself too.

I’m in this weird season of life where it feels like everything, once again, is changing. If it were just one or two things, I probably wouldn’t feel it so hard. But it’s a lot of things. My home is changing, my job environment is changing, all my relationships are changing. And in the process of all of that, I’m trying to change me too.

I’m 38 years old and it feels like everything in my life is sand on the beach; unstable and constantly shifting.

Yesterday I posted a selfie. And bless ALL OF YOUR HEARTS, you showered me with compliments. I promise you, the intent of posting it was not to be fishing for compliments. The intent was for me. I felt good in that moment and rather than letting it pass, I wanted to acknowledge it.

It is no secret if you follow me on social media that I LOVE the new The Head and the Heart album. I’m so obsessed right now that I probably listen to the whole thing at least once a day. Here is one line in the first track that has stuck with me for a week. I sing it over and over.

Until you learn to love yourself
the door is locked to someone else
“See You Through My Eyes” by The Head and the Heart

So. That. I’ve got a long way to go. I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but here goes. It wasn’t 3 hours after I took the original photo I was proud of, where I felt pretty, that I turned into this: a sobbing, snotty, wet, mess. It is a tale of two Sarahs. The Sarah on the right is insecurity, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and poor self-worth. The Sarah on the right is the one that I need to get smaller and smaller. And she’s taking all my energy among all the other change.

I’m likely going to regret posting this and I hope that I can retain my nerve and not delete it later. It is hard to be so open. But I can’t do this alone. And so far, being so raw and open, has brought me a community. And maybe someone out there needs to see that not every pretty picture you see is the whole truth, that there might be a sobbing, snotting one right behind it. If you’re that person too….you are not alone. And together we can get though this.

TODAY I LOVE: Watermelon!
SONG OF THE DAY: “Fix You” by Coldplay

week 1: here I am

Has everyone watched the movie “Dumplin” on Netflix yet? If not, you totally should. You’ll walk away smiley AND have new appreciation for Dolly Parton. I read the book last year and loved it and couldn’t wait for the movie. I watched it with my mom and grandma over Christmas and it was nice. (The title of my post, “Here I Am” is a song from the movie.) Also…2019 HERE I AM!

So far this year started with the flu. That wasn’t really the way I was hoping to ring in a brand new year, but it is what it is. Sadly. I’m happy to report that I’m feeling loads better now. I’m also happy to report that of the goals I set for myself for the new year, most of them I’ve been able to keep up so far. Yeah, yeah, one week in but consistency has to start somewhere. I haven’t been able to work on the diet/exercise front yet. The nasty flu mentioned previously and the boyfriend being in town has pushed that back a bit. I’m all set to go on Monday, full steam.

In the meantime, I thought I’d tell you some things that are working for me and some things I’m loving right now.

Agenda – I kind of love this app a lot. I want to be a paper journal/planner person. I give it a try every year because paper planners are so pretty. Sadly it doesn’t take me very long to give it up because I’m just too digital. This app helps me bring my paper loving things into a digital world. I set up a bullet journal within Agenda. Works fantastic. Using this app, combined with Things 3 and Evernote…(which I’m sure could all be combined to one app to do all things but I have a system so let me be)…makes me a productive powerhouse.
Theraflu – My dad reminded me of this medicine this week as I’ve been sick. It helped so much! Keep it in mind if any of you peeps start feeling under the
An American Marriage by Tayari Jones: Read this while on vacation these last two weeks. Great read. It will draw you in.
Camilla Cleansing Oil – It’s no secret I’m OBSESSED with skincare. I think if I could do life over again I’d train to be an esthetician. I do a lot of reading and researching on products and methods and it has dramatically changed my skin over the last year. One of the tips I learned, that I will now never not do, is the double cleanse. BEST. THING. EVER. This cleansing oil is so luxurious for your oil cleanse that it feels like you’re having a fancy facial massage. Treat yo self.

Have a great weekend everyone!

TODAY I LOVE: The sun is shining bright out my window!
SONG OF THE DAY: “Here I Am” by Dolly Parton and Sia

beauty loves: vol. 1

At the beginning of this year my dad had a LARGE sore cut out of his face that turned out to be skin cancer. They cut him from ear to chin; diagonally across the cheek. It was so scary and impacted me more than I let on. Couple that with the fact that I’m turning 38 years old in October, well, skin care is at the very forefront of my mind.

I’m not an esthetician but oh if I had it to do over I think I might have chosen that path. I’m obsessed with this stuff right now. I did quite a lot of research before I chose the path I wanted to follow with my own skin. Since April I have been strictly following the k-beauty methods. K-beauty involves many steps: oil cleanse, water cleanse, exfoliator, toner, essence, serum, sheet mask, eye cream, moisturizer, sunscreen. Twice a day. You don’t do all those steps everyday, but most of them. I’ve seen such a marked difference in my face that I thought I would share some of my current beauty loves.

Klavuu Pearlsation Divine Pearl Cleansing Oil: One of the things from the k-beauty routine that I will NEVER stop from here on out is the oil cleanse. This takes the place of any makeup remover. The oil, which smells amazing, just melts the makeup off. It also feels like a mini-massage. And no, contrary to what you might assume, it does not cause breakouts.
Unseen Sunscreen: THIS STUFF ROCKS. I use it on my face, it feels like a primer, and it doesn’t leave any streaks. Do yourself a favor and buy this stuff now.
Egg Cream Mask Pore Tightening: I have a lot of sheet masks that I love these days. I’m having so much fun trying them out. This sheet mask, however, I’ve bought more than once. I see such a difference after using it.
Lala Retro Whipped Cream: I can’t give up two of my Drunk Elephant products and this is one of them. I love this moisturizer. I use it as my night cream. It’s thick and luxurious but absorbs quickly.
Be the Skin Non-Stimulus Face Polisher: I have sensitive skin and this exfoliator does it’s job and doesn’t disrupt my face. It’s gentle but thorough. It is one of my favorite products these days. I use it twice a week.
L’Occitane Almond Shower Oil: Oooooh boy. This smells delightful, creates a gentle lather, and is fantastic to shave with in the shower. You exit the shower without feeling like your skin has dried out.

I’ve got some new things coming in this week that I’ve been eagerly waiting on for months. If they are winners I’ll let you know. 🙂

If I can give you any encouragement…take care of your skin. I’m working on improving the rest of the skin on my body now. If I had only listened to all the things my grandmother told me when I was a girl I wouldn’t have such an uphill battle now. WEAR SUNSCREEN. It doesn’t matter what treatments or fancy creams you put on your skin if you’re not wearing sunscreen.

Enjoy!

TODAY I LOVE: not wearing makeup because my skin is happy. 🙂

random friday stuff: vol 4

Hiyo! Things have been way to depressing lately. All around. Let’s talk about all the things that are making me happy these days.

Downton Abbey. When it was on originally I never got past the finale of Season 3. No spoilers but it was DEVASTATING to me. So I stopped. I decided to pick it up again and get past that fateful episode. I want to start calling it luncheon instead of lunch. And I really want to wear their gowns.
Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. For my birthday last year my super awesome fella got me a Nintendo Switch and this game! First off, having never really owned a major gaming system, this thing is amazing. I love it. That should also tell you I’M TERRIBLE. But you guys it is so fun. This game is gorgeous. You can wander around as you please and explore. And if you are me, you die quite a lot. I’m glad I’ve been able to get into the game and even though I’m terrible I’m slowly learning.
Nayyirah Waheed. Her poetry is LIFE. I’m a bit obsessed with her lately and have wanted her book Salt but it is super hard to find.
New music from Leon Bridges and Ray LaMontagne. Oh, and I still can’t stop playing new music from Brandi Carlile and The Secret Sisters (both of whom are playing TOGETHER in Kansas City in June and I want to go so bad it hurts.)
Sea Otters. While I was in California with my guy a few weeks ago we went to Monterey, CA for a day. We had dinner at an awesome restaurant right on the bay. There was a sea otter swimming and hunting right there in the water next to us!! It was one of the most magical settings and lovely moments. I still think of it often.
Skin Care. To say that I’ve become obsessed with skin care and anti-aging would be the understatement of the year. I’m not sure when I turned the corner of not caring to completely obsessed, but I’m here. I’ve been using Drunk Elephant products exclusively for the last year now and they are FANTASTIC. However now I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of K-Beauty and I’m going to add (what feels like) 20 more steps to my process. As I find things I love I’ll keep you posted. The constant quest to not look my age is a real thing.
Lastly…for a funny. My grandma celebrated her 80th birthday a few weeks ago. We had a little dinner party for her. This was me trying to drive all the balloons I purchased home (an hour and a half drive.) I really overshot what would fit in my car.

TODAY I LOVE: peanut butter (I really need to not buy it. It’s too good.)

all things may

We are almost halfway through this year. I hate that my mom was right, that time really does go faster the older you get. So yeah, May is over (one more day anyway.) Let’s see how this month broke down for me:

HEALTH: I’m happy to report I was 100% on my macros everyday. I was never over, although there were a few days that I was under. I didn’t miss a single mandatory workout (lifting), and only missed one barre class from my bonus workouts. Win! And it paid off: since the end of January I’m down 21 pounds and 23 inches. I haven’t starved myself and I don’t workout hours and hours everyday. The actual scale number is slowing down in it’s decreases, but I’m getting muscle and it looks so much better. I’m happy with it.

For grins, I almost 100% cut out gluten during the month. (I still maintained eating my Ezekiel bread every morning. Not giving that up.) Other than that, I was gluten free. I really wanted to see if it made any difference in my belly bloat. It taught me a couple of things. First, I really don’t eat that much gluten to begin with. It wasn’t hard to not eat it. Second, I had very thin crust pizza last night (yes, I considered May over for the most part starting yesterday), and it made my food belly (that I’ve affectionately named Ethel) go CRAZY. Hello bloat city. All that said, I think I’m going to try to maintain little gluten/wheat when I have other options available. Because it did prove to me that it does make me puff up like a fish.

I did get the best compliment this morning. Two girls who are not regulars at the gym came up to me as I was lifting. They told me they hadn’t been in in a while and it’s been a bit since they’d seen me. And they said I looked amazing! Asked me how much I’d lost and said they could really tell I was working hard. Anyway, it was so great to hear! Onward to June. 🙂

RANDOM: Let’s see…I got my hair done. Only a trim off the ends, but went another step towards my blonde goal. To all of you naysayers out there, it really is lighter! I can prove it. My hair is so dark it takes a long time to get to blonde. As far as other beauty stuff, I’ve watched way too many makeup tutorials because now I keep wanting to dip my toe in these strange eye combinations. Today I’m wearing navy and gold. Yep. It is disappointing to report that my eyebrows are still hopeless. I’m not giving up.

Ok, so my hair isn’t fixed in either photo (ignore that). And also ignore the fact that in the second photo I’m getting ready for bed and have no make up and my glasses on. Hey, real life folks. You can’t ALWAYS be a beauty queen. 🙂

I’m totally and completely obsessed with blackberries right now. The fruit, not the phone. Cannot. Get. Enough.

I’ve read 3 books and am currently diving back into the Tudor dynasty as written by the awesome Philippa Gregory. I think there are 8-9 books total. It’s going to take me a while.

I finished season 3 of How to Get Away with Murder. HOLY SMOKES. That show is on fire. I very rarely guess how it is going to end.

Work has been crazy nut-job busy.

I think that’s enough for now. All in all, May wasn’t so bad on me. I didn’t go crazy. I didn’t blow up at anyone. I think I maybe only cried 3 times or so. That’s a win, folks.

How was your May?

TODAY I LOVE: the song “Every Monday” by Marvelous 3 (an oldie but goodie. Takes me back to college.)