tired and hungry and sore

Well, I think my title says it all. It fully encapsulates this week.

I started Phase II of my new year journey on Monday. I jumped in with both feet. Phase II included new programming at the gym (both strength and HIIT), calorie and macro guidelines based on my reading of Fat Loss Forever, and getting up early to do said gym workouts. After two weeks of the head and stomach flu, that 4:30am alarm is BRUTAL. So yeah, this week has been me on the struggle bus. BUT I HAVE DONE IT.

No cheats. I’ve stayed perfectly within my macros and calories. I haven’t missed a day of workouts. I just need to keep this up until it’s a habit and then it won’t be such a struggle. I’ve done it before and I know I can do it again.

Here are some things that are helping me this week:

  • I accidentally changed the setting on my bathroom scale to kilograms. I weigh every morning and then take an average for the week so see gain/loss. I didn’t mean to change it to kilograms but it’s been so much better for me emotionally! I’m much too lazy to remember the conversion to pounds that early in the morning so it’s awesome to weigh without all the guilt and shame of the pounds number. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Sure, I still weigh a ton but in my mind it’s just a number when it is kilograms.
  • I’m a nerd. You know this. I created a lovely excel workbook that has all my BMR, TDEE, and macro calculations (based on the book mentioned above.) I also have calculations for all my weights and measurements so that it calculates my averages for me. I am also able to see trends.
  • You can eat a LOT of veggies for little calories.
  • I’m not always going to improve my lifts at the gym. But I’ve been complacent for far too long. I haven’t stopped working out in all this time but if I’m honest I’ve been “mailing it in.” Every day this week I’ve given myself a pep talk to challenge myself. Don’t just do it to do it; make those calories and muscles work. And it has paid off in soreness. ūüôā

I hope all of you are achieving your goals as well! One day at a time, friends. One moment at a time.

SONG OF THE DAY: “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle

TODAY I LOVE: my new pillow…makes a huge difference!

2018…let it go (queue Elsa.)

I’m typing this post in the throws of a massive cold/flu/grossest junk EVER mess. ¬†Knowing that, it’s safe for me to say that 2018 can just keep on trucking right out the door. ¬†HOWEVER…this year was one I won’t forget: the good, the bad, and what’s to come…

Let’s start off with the bad and just get it out of the way. ¬†If I had to sum up the year in two words they would be stress and emotion. ¬†I had so much of both. ¬†The year started right off the bat with my first kitty baby, Callie, passing away. ¬†She lived with Ryan after we divorced but it was so sad to let her go. ¬†She was one more piece of my old life that disappeared. ¬†My ex-husband got remarried and that effected me more than I ever thought possible. ¬†It was the sense of loss all over again. ¬†I was knocked down again when I found out they are expecting a baby. ¬†I’m happy for them, I mean that sincerely, but it’s just….so weird. ¬†Onward…my cat got very, very sick (his bladder blocked and ruptured) and that was a stressful, time-consuming, and VERY costly months of recovery. ¬† I moved. ¬†It was a great move and I’m SO HAPPY I did it, but still. ¬†New place, new roommate, packing and unpacking…not fun, expensive, and stressful. ¬†Alright, now take all of that and add abnormally high work stress. ¬†Oh, and I gained back all the weight I lost in 2017. ¬†BAM! ¬†2018 in a nutshell.

If I left it at that you would think the year was total crap, right? ¬†It’s a good thing I had a lot of happies too. ¬†ūüôā

I hired a fantastic gal from Louisiana to work for me and she’s been phenomenal. ¬†With her help, we had an exceptional audit this month. ¬†I’m excited for the new projects we can tackle this coming year. ¬†I have a roommate! ¬†It’s been such a nice treat having someone to come home to and share life with everyday. ¬†We’ve went on on several girl trips this year; a hiking trip in Hot Springs, AR and a weekend jaunt to South Bend, IN and Mackinac Island, MI! ¬†I cannot tell you how much I loved Mackinac Island. ¬†It’s a must-see for anyone looking for a beautiful and unique place to visit. ¬†Lastly, one of my biggest happies, I spent 3 weeks in Kauai with my fella and his family. ¬†Whoa, what a HUGE blessing. ¬†I’m convinced there isn’t a more beautiful place on earth.

So.  2018 all wrapped up in two paragraphs.  Boiling down your year into small sentences is harder than you think.  Crazily enough, the year felt like it went that fast.  Two paragraphs worth.

What do I want for 2019? I don’t really like to do resolutions; I prefer goals. ¬†Kinda. ¬†Here are my hopes/goals for the year to come:

  • Consistency & Discipline. ¬†I let stress and emotion (see above) control a lot of my life this year. ¬†I let it control my actions. ¬†I let it control my mood. ¬†I let it control my health. ¬†I need to change that this year.
  • Intentionality with my Health. ¬†If I follow my goal above, my health will fall in line too. ¬†Diet, exercise, skincare, stress-management, and emotional well-being will all be better if I can be intentional, consistent, and disciplined with the tools I have to work with. ¬†I know what to do. ¬†I just need to do it.
  • Strengthen my faith. ¬†I don’t think I need to explain that one. ¬†ūüôā
  • Payoff at least one loan. ¬†Money is tight for me now as 2018 was a huge drain on EVERYTHING. ¬†I need to be budget focused and paying off one loan would be a great ¬†snowball for that.
  • Find my happy. ¬†Whatever that might be.
  • Beat (or at least make it to) the end of one video game. ¬†Ok, this one is silly, but still. ¬†I’ve gotta get to the end of at least one.

 

Let’s do this 2019.

really real reality

Shootout.jpg.e2ceda5e6854df2c8893abada78336abIf you’ve followed me for very long at all, I write a lot about my weight, exercise, diet, etc. ¬†I like these things. ¬†I like seeing progress and I hate admitting failure. ¬†However, like two sides to any coin you’re always going to have them both. ¬†Last year it was success upon success in my weight-loss and fitness journey. ¬†This year is a different story.

Life has happened to me in a big way this year. ¬†I was depressed for quite a long time and stressed even longer. ¬†Even so, I did the very best I could with my macro guidelines and I exercised way more than not. ¬†Still…no change. ¬†We’ve lowered calories, changed macros, changed again, added and added and added cardio…no change. ¬†I haven’t gained it all back, but I’ve gained this year. ¬†Many of my wins last year have been overturned. ¬†It’s hard not to say, “Sarah, if you just cut your calories more, you have to lost weight.” ¬†Um, yeah, no. ¬†I’ve done that. ¬†I can’t really cut anymore or my body will definitely freak out.

To say that it is defeating is the most gigantic understatement you can utter. ¬†I’m leaving for vacation in a few short weeks and this is NOT the shape I wanted to be in for it. ¬†My poor roommate has had to deal with my meltdowns this week especially as I’m trying to buy a dress for a wedding and purchase clothes for the beach.

WHY JUST WHY.

And sadly, the long and the short of it is this…we don’t know. ¬†Maybe my body is tired of dieting. ¬†Maybe my body has some weird hormone things (hello STRESS) that are hijacking all the good things I’m doing. ¬†Maybe I just need a reset and a change. ¬†Maybe I need rest. ¬†Who the hell knows.

So. ¬†Really real reality. ¬†I’m staring at my beach vacation straight in the eye. ¬†I’m many pounds heavier than I planned. ¬†In my mind it is kind of like one of those old outside-the-OK-corral standoffs. ¬†Wyatt Earp staring down his opponent (before he went crazy – important fact.) ¬†Am I going to let my perception of how I needed to be ruin my vacation? ¬† ¬†As much as it is a struggle to say – no. ¬†I’m not going to let it win.

I’m me. ¬†Despite the outside package and wrappings, I’m quite awesome. ¬† I can lift very heavy things and put them back down. ¬†I have great hair. ¬†My skincare routine is longer than some people’s showers and I love it. ¬† I can spout random music facts on a whim. ¬†I have a really awesome cat. ¬†The older I get I’m finding joy in being myself and surprising people who expect something different. ¬†I smile a lot and I like to make other people smile too. ¬†My fella loves me. ¬†I’m going to PARADISE.

When I wrap my head around all those great things, how can I let a stubborn body beat me? ¬†It is all in my PERCEPTION of me. ¬†And the great thing is…I can work on changing that. ¬†It might not change how my clothes fit or the number on the scale, but if I can find happiness in my happies until the tide turns, the coin flips, or my body decides to listen, well, that’s a big win. ¬†I’ll dip back into my college days, and all those psychology/counseling classes: ¬†I’m taking a mental picture and I’m reframing it so I see it differently.

If you’re in the same spot I am…take stock and reframe the shot. ¬†It is a by-the-minute battle, but if I can do it then you can too.

TODAY I LOVE: Peach & Lily.  I should just sign my paycheck over.

 

self-portraits & sushi

I’ve been putting this post off. ¬†To be honest, based on my mood right now I probably shouldn’t be writing it either, but oh well. ¬†You’re getting a very honest and real Sarah today, folks. ¬†Hold onto your butts.

A little over a month ago I wrote a blog post about my goals for the next 30-days. ¬†I’m afraid to tell you I was unsuccessful with almost all of them. ¬†I was 100% on my macros and I followed my lifting program. ¬†But everything else? ¬†Nada. ¬†My weight didn’t move even an inch. ¬†After a year of success, followed by 30 days of diet and exercise compliance that resulted in NOTHING…yeah, kinda depressing.

Now, we’re changing up some things and the next two weeks in particular will be a very, very hard reset. ¬†Everything about me is out of whack and I’m not really sure why. ¬†So yes, there is a plan in place and we’ll figure this out. ¬†I will not feel this way forever. ¬†That is the only positive thing coming out of this blog post.

I’ve been taking this photography class in my free time. ¬†I’ve got several road trips on the docket for this year and I want to be on the top of my game remembering the gorgeous things I’m going to get to see and experience. ¬†One of the exercises I’m asked to complete in this class is daily self-portraits. ¬†No, I’m not talking about selfies. ¬†Ok, I guess they are sort of selfies but a lot more difficult to grab. ¬†I took my self-portraits today and decided to get a lot more of my body and not just my face. ¬†Let me give you a word of advice. ¬†When you’re already feeling REALLY down about your appearance, DON’T DO A SELF-PORTRAIT.

Despite how I’m sure this entire post is coming across, this is not a pity or a woe is me post. ¬†I’m just…down. ¬†I’ve had lots of ups. ¬†I’ve had so many ups that it’s hard to talk to you from the valley of the down.

Professionally I was brilliant this week. ¬†I turned my introvert switch off; I sparkled and shined and glowed in my role. ¬†It was very, very…up. ¬†And now I am not.

So tonight I’m watching old Grey’s Anatomy and eating sushi I bought at the grocery store earlier today. ¬† Earlier today I updated apps on my computer and I cleaned out the cabinet in my office. ¬†Maybe I’ll start a new book before bed. ¬†These are all happy things. ¬†So maybe I’m ending this post better than how it started. ¬†ūüôā

TODAY I LOVE: the smell of grapefruit essential oils being diffused

the next 30 days

I wish I could tell you that I started this year just killing my workouts and nailing my diet and never being lazy or tired or sick or inconsistent.  But that would be a lie.  With the exception of a couple of good weeks, 2018 has been a roiling boil of excuses and exceptions.  It is embarrassing.  Also infuriating.  I woke up this morning just straight up mad.

I don’t like that all my new smaller clothes are a tinge uncomfortable. ¬†I don’t like that I have no energy because I haven’t been eating correctly. ¬†I don’t like being scared to step on the scale. ¬†And I REALLY don’t like feeling like a failure. ¬†This is a really real confession that I hate to admit, but hey, it is what it is. ¬†I hate that in my mind it feels like I’m giving all the doubters what they wanted to see all along. ¬†“I knew she wouldn’t/couldn’t keep it up.” ¬†*WOMP* ¬†That statement is way too much to unpack in this post, but it’s definitely something I’m journaling about privately. ¬†Homegirl has some issues. ¬†I really hate that my mood and thoughts of myself tend to hinge on how comfortable I feel in my skin.

ANYWAY. ¬†I had every intention of being 100% everything this week. ¬†However due to a variety of reason that were out of my control, that didn’t happen. ¬†So here’s what I’m telling you – I’ve made a pact with myself. ¬†All this mess stops here. ¬†I mean, I was perfect with diet and exercise for 8 WEEKS WITH A BROKEN ANKLE. ¬†I can do this.

I love my Apple Watch. ¬†I’m tied to it like I married the thing. ¬†I love that it gives you little challenges to complete every now and again. ¬†I am a sucker for pretty rewards. ¬†(Yes, I was the girl in school who wanted alllllllll the gold stars by her name. ¬†I like shiny things.) ¬†So I’m creating a Sarah Challenge.

In just over 30 days I go to Dallas for a work convention. ¬†There is a pretty good possibility I’m going to have to be fabulous in front of a whole lot of people. ¬†I don’t want to feel like this when I need to be the epitome of self-confidence. ¬†For the next 30 days I’m committing to myself to do the following:

  • Close all my 3 of my apple watch rings every day.
  • Lift/strength training 6 days a week (already do this when I’m consistent.)
  • Auxiliary Class (barre, TRX, yoga, etc.) 2 days a week
  • 100% on my macro levels. ¬†No exceptions. No cheats.
  • Drop at least 5lbs of the fluff I gained over the holidays. ¬†I didn’t handle the holidays and vacation appropriately. ¬†I’ve learned my lesson. ¬†Now I need to fix it.
  • Everyday identify something within me to feel confident about.

I can do this. ¬†I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. ¬†I just need that line in the sand and the deadline to make it happen. ¬†Once I can get in the groove I’ll be just fine. ¬†No more excuses. ¬†I just can’t do it anymore.

TODAY I LOVE: the entire Drunk Elephant skincare line.  GAME CHANGER.

Climbing again

It is Friday night and I’m sitting here on my sofa, having a cup of sleepy tea, and watching Grace & Frankie (again) on the TV. (Side note: I’m SO excited for Season 4 which comes out next week.) ANYWAY. I got off work this afternoon and came home and deep cleaned my living room. I tore down the Christmas tree and all the decorations. I moved all the furniture and vacuumed. I bought a lamp (also random.) All that to say, I’m super content in this spot, right this second. Which puts me in a good place to talk about something that I’m not happy about: my fitness.

A week before Christmas I messed up my back. It was AWFUL. I’m too embarrassed to say what I did, but it was a dumb thing and I’ve LEARNED MY LESSON. ANYWAY. I couldn’t bend my spine at all. I couldn’t even sit. I could only lay flat or be in terrible pain. So needless to say my workouts were not fabulous. And then I went home to my family for Christmas. And then I went to California for 2 weeks to be with my fella. My butt has not been in a gym for 3 WEEKS. It’s embarrassing. And I didn’t follow my macros over the holidays either. I wasn’t terrible, but I wasn’t perfect.

Confession: I’m absolutely terrified to step on the scale. (I’m not stepping on the scale until Monday morning, but still.).

I feel bloated and chunky and lumpy and likely 10 pounds heavier.

So that’s the bad news.

The good news? I can fix it. I can fix all of it. You know why? Because last year I learned how. I can’t tell you how much that reassures me that this is all going to be fine. This year when I’m looking at my fitness and health journey it is totally different than last year. It’s kind of like carving an ice sculpture. When you get started you have to take off a whole bunch of the bulk before you can even start to shape what you’re really trying to carve. 2017 was getting rid of the excess for me. In 2018 I get to sculpt something fantastic. Isn’t that wonderful!?

I admit, I don’t like that it feels I’m starting this year behind. But you know what? I had a great Christmas and New Years and California dreams. The rest let my back heal. I just…lived for a while. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Even if it does feel like I’m starting in a deficit. Whatever I’ve gained will come back off. I’ve proven I can do it.

So with that said…tomorrow I go back to the gym with my best girl. Good things to come.

TODAY I LOVE: my Filimin lantern

the great depression

138 day move streak. ¬†4 perfect months. ¬†21 pounds and 23 inches lost. ¬†I’ve had quite the string of accomplishments lately. ¬†I’m not trying to brag; I’m just proud of myself. ¬†That’s a lot. ¬†I had (have) a long way to go. ¬†I started this year wanting to be healthier not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. ¬†And until the last week or so, I’ve totally killed it. ¬†And then I didn’t.

My boyfriend flew home.  My best friend flew away.  I went back to work where a new season of stressors awaited.  My mom had surgery.  My brother got hurt.  I got food poisoning or a stomach bug or something.  It felt like my life was full of all my favorite things and people and then a big vacuum sucked it all away.  And it left me empty.

In that emptiness I let go of all the things I worked so hard for. ¬† I didn’t count my macros. ¬†I didn’t go to the gym. ¬†I went to work and I came home. ¬†I watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy. ¬†I did everything to fill the void but actually deal with it. ¬†It was truly like I had a mild case of a kind of depression. ¬†Nothing really made me happy.

Thankfully, I knew to get myself out of it I’d have to look ahead. ¬†It would all pass. ¬†I made goals for July. ¬†I visited my family. ¬†I watched the clouds and reprioritized. ¬†I think I’m ready to start over.

I won’t lie; even writing this is as cathartic as it is embarrassing. ¬†It’s humbling to admit that mentally I went from wonder woman to fragile vase in a matter of hours. ¬†But the reality is I’m human. ¬†And these days/weeks are going to happen. ¬†I won’t be perfect all the time. ¬†I’ve got to learn to cope better. ¬†This was a cold reality check that I really don’t have it all together yet. ¬†My old mechanisms are still there, under the surface, and will attack if I don’t deal. ¬†I didn’t deal.

So I’m starting over. ¬†I don’t know how much strength I’ve lost from my week off, but I was at least pleased(?) to note that my scale hadn’t went up any. ¬†I hadn’t lost (despite the stomach bug) but at least hadn’t truly gained. ¬†It’s going to take me a bit longer to gain my mental strength back.

I wrote this post for me. ¬†It’s a checkpoint; a reminder for the future. ¬†Thanks for hanging with me.

TODAY I LOVE:  Aussie brand deep conditioner (it smells so good!)