Black coffee and honesty

acs_0254-1One of my compromises with myself when I started this blog (in deference to my last one) was to be completely honest. You get the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the wins and the losses. Why be fake? Why try to trick everyone into believing that life is rosy all the time and every single goal I set, I reach?

Somewhere out there (if you don’t have this song in your head right now I don’t know you at all)…anyway, somewhere out there I’ve lost my focus and drive. For some reason the journey seems a lot more difficult this time around. And yes, I’m talking about weight loss. I think I’m always talking about weight loss. When you’re uncomfortable in your own skin (and your own jeans) it is always what you’re thinking about.

I keep finding excuses!

  • I’ve had a rough week, I deserve this treat.
  • PMS…give me all the things I’m craving.
  • Whew…I’ve got meetings all week. They’ll feed me. I don’t need to count.
  • I’m cold and I don’t feel that great. I should just eat what will make me happy.
  • I’m going home and nobody cooks like my mom and grandma. I don’t get home that much, I should enjoy it.

Anyone ever say some variation of those? I usually have really great discipline and can bypass all that stuff. Not this last month. Frankly, I’m scared to get on the scale for what it is going to tell me. I know I haven’t lost but I’m terrified to see if or how much I’ve gained. I’m failing at all my self-talk. I’m failing at saying NO.

I’m failing. And I want to leave it at that. Throw a fit. Say that I just can’t do it; the plan doesn’t work for me. I want to tell everyone how hard it is to be me. But guess what? That doesn’t help me either, it just makes me fail…more.

So I’m not going to do that. Because deep down I know these things:

  • I’m not failing at everything. Those are just lies that we tell ourselves.
  • If I fix my self-talk and start thinking about things on a decision-by-decision basis, I can choose to say no and make better choices. I can make choices that aren’t based on hormones, emotions, and circumstances.
  • I’m not failing at workouts (for the most part – I’ve had to miss a few.) I’m pushing myself and not giving in. I like getting stronger and seeing what new things my body can do.
  • It is going to be hard. It just is. I’m not in my 20’s anymore and things are just HARD. Recognize the challenge, say “game on”, and do it. Just do it.
  • Again – don’t look at weeks at a time. One decision, one good choice, one moment.
  • Plan better.

This post was for me. It was public self-talk and public accountability. We don’t always win. It’s so easy to fall down the social media rabbit hole of how all things are perfect. They aren’t. There is no quick fix. It isn’t easy. I haven’t won; I’ve lost this round. I let myself lose this round.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t win the next one.

New moment. New day. New week. New month. As the character President Jed Bartlet says in one of my favorite shows, “What’s next?”

TODAY I LOVE: finally finishing the “Downton Abby” series on BBC

SONG OF THE DAY: “Forever” by Mumford & Sons

the calm and the storm

Flying over a thunderstorm outside of Dallas this past October

I think I’ve stared at the “Add title” part of this post for a good 20 minutes. I just finished writing a very mopey post about memories and pain. It’s still in my drafts but I’ll probably never post it. I’m sure everyone is tired of me mulling over my divorce and the never-ending tentacles of it’s reach in my life. It still just amazes me how I can go from moments of pure joy and happiness to watching one video of a concert we attended and I’m zapped back into sadness. It has to stop hurting at some point, right?

Anyway, I really just wanted to update you on my goals and such. I’m entering week 3. I can say without hesitation…it’s been hard. I’ve pushed myself in workouts (which is a good thing) and it’s made me so sore. Week 1 of my “diet” was hard but I was 100% perfect. Well…I fell off the wagon hard this weekend. I had cravings that I haven’t been able get rid of so I indulged them. The scale scolded me HARD this morning, but it was necessary. I’m in a much better place today. Overall I have lost and not gained any weight. I wish it was more, but this is for the long-haul, not in the day-to-day ups and downs.

Little wins and little falls…it is life and going to happen. It’s how I even out and recover that matters. It is not letting my “little fall” take me all the way to “I don’t care anymore.” And guess what? I still care. A lot. All of this matters.

So if you’ve had a weekend like I have, where you’ve celebrated birthdays and you’ve enjoyed some things outside of your norm…find your way back. And remember your “why.”

Now. I’m going to go watch something that makes me happy and not sad home videos on my phone.

TODAY I LOVE: Milk Makeup Kush Lip Balm

SONG OF THE DAY: “Girl” by Maren Morris

really real reality

Shootout.jpg.e2ceda5e6854df2c8893abada78336abIf you’ve followed me for very long at all, I write a lot about my weight, exercise, diet, etc.  I like these things.  I like seeing progress and I hate admitting failure.  However, like two sides to any coin you’re always going to have them both.  Last year it was success upon success in my weight-loss and fitness journey.  This year is a different story.

Life has happened to me in a big way this year.  I was depressed for quite a long time and stressed even longer.  Even so, I did the very best I could with my macro guidelines and I exercised way more than not.  Still…no change.  We’ve lowered calories, changed macros, changed again, added and added and added cardio…no change.  I haven’t gained it all back, but I’ve gained this year.  Many of my wins last year have been overturned.  It’s hard not to say, “Sarah, if you just cut your calories more, you have to lost weight.”  Um, yeah, no.  I’ve done that.  I can’t really cut anymore or my body will definitely freak out.

To say that it is defeating is the most gigantic understatement you can utter.  I’m leaving for vacation in a few short weeks and this is NOT the shape I wanted to be in for it.  My poor roommate has had to deal with my meltdowns this week especially as I’m trying to buy a dress for a wedding and purchase clothes for the beach.

WHY JUST WHY.

And sadly, the long and the short of it is this…we don’t know.  Maybe my body is tired of dieting.  Maybe my body has some weird hormone things (hello STRESS) that are hijacking all the good things I’m doing.  Maybe I just need a reset and a change.  Maybe I need rest.  Who the hell knows.

So.  Really real reality.  I’m staring at my beach vacation straight in the eye.  I’m many pounds heavier than I planned.  In my mind it is kind of like one of those old outside-the-OK-corral standoffs.  Wyatt Earp staring down his opponent (before he went crazy – important fact.)  Am I going to let my perception of how I needed to be ruin my vacation?    As much as it is a struggle to say – no.  I’m not going to let it win.

I’m me.  Despite the outside package and wrappings, I’m quite awesome.   I can lift very heavy things and put them back down.  I have great hair.  My skincare routine is longer than some people’s showers and I love it.   I can spout random music facts on a whim.  I have a really awesome cat.  The older I get I’m finding joy in being myself and surprising people who expect something different.  I smile a lot and I like to make other people smile too.  My fella loves me.  I’m going to PARADISE.

When I wrap my head around all those great things, how can I let a stubborn body beat me?  It is all in my PERCEPTION of me.  And the great thing is…I can work on changing that.  It might not change how my clothes fit or the number on the scale, but if I can find happiness in my happies until the tide turns, the coin flips, or my body decides to listen, well, that’s a big win.  I’ll dip back into my college days, and all those psychology/counseling classes:  I’m taking a mental picture and I’m reframing it so I see it differently.

If you’re in the same spot I am…take stock and reframe the shot.  It is a by-the-minute battle, but if I can do it then you can too.

TODAY I LOVE: Peach & Lily.  I should just sign my paycheck over.

 

the great depression

138 day move streak.  4 perfect months.  21 pounds and 23 inches lost.  I’ve had quite the string of accomplishments lately.  I’m not trying to brag; I’m just proud of myself.  That’s a lot.  I had (have) a long way to go.  I started this year wanting to be healthier not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  And until the last week or so, I’ve totally killed it.  And then I didn’t.

My boyfriend flew home.  My best friend flew away.  I went back to work where a new season of stressors awaited.  My mom had surgery.  My brother got hurt.  I got food poisoning or a stomach bug or something.  It felt like my life was full of all my favorite things and people and then a big vacuum sucked it all away.  And it left me empty.

In that emptiness I let go of all the things I worked so hard for.   I didn’t count my macros.  I didn’t go to the gym.  I went to work and I came home.  I watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy.  I did everything to fill the void but actually deal with it.  It was truly like I had a mild case of a kind of depression.  Nothing really made me happy.

Thankfully, I knew to get myself out of it I’d have to look ahead.  It would all pass.  I made goals for July.  I visited my family.  I watched the clouds and reprioritized.  I think I’m ready to start over.

I won’t lie; even writing this is as cathartic as it is embarrassing.  It’s humbling to admit that mentally I went from wonder woman to fragile vase in a matter of hours.  But the reality is I’m human.  And these days/weeks are going to happen.  I won’t be perfect all the time.  I’ve got to learn to cope better.  This was a cold reality check that I really don’t have it all together yet.  My old mechanisms are still there, under the surface, and will attack if I don’t deal.  I didn’t deal.

So I’m starting over.  I don’t know how much strength I’ve lost from my week off, but I was at least pleased(?) to note that my scale hadn’t went up any.  I hadn’t lost (despite the stomach bug) but at least hadn’t truly gained.  It’s going to take me a bit longer to gain my mental strength back.

I wrote this post for me.  It’s a checkpoint; a reminder for the future.  Thanks for hanging with me.

TODAY I LOVE:  Aussie brand deep conditioner (it smells so good!)

exercise & travel

I used to think that traveling was great because that meant I didn’t have to workout.  Back in the day when I was running or training for a race, I *might* have a run just to explore a city but I NEVER sought out a gym.  However, when you’re serious about something, even if it’s just getting fit, you find a way to make it happen.

I just returned from my third trip since beginning my new health journey.  This time was different as I didn’t have access to the standard gym.  I had to use alternative means.  I would like to introduce you to The Tube.

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This is a resistance tube that comes in varying strengths and sizes.  It’s small, fits in your suitcase, and can be made into an epic torture device for a great workout.  My best friend/trainer/all around favorite person introduced me to the tube many months ago when we were traveling together.  She had brought hers along in the event our hotel had a crummy gym.

I won’t say all, but MANY of your usual strength training lifts/maneuvers can be done with this unassuming little tube.  As such, I was able to get in all my workouts and lose little ground during my trip last week.  They were great workouts!

If you want it bad enough, you’ll make things happen.  For me, I want to keep seeing the gains that I’m getting to be come a better, fitter, healthier Sarah.

Keep the tube in mind if you need some alternative ideas for fitness and travel.

TODAY I LOVE: tacos.  I just really want to eat a taco right now.