emotions, health

we aren’t promised happiness

I listened to a podcast the other day. It was very interesting and to be honest I’ll probably need to listen to it again as it has me struggling on a few points. The one thing that stuck with me, that I just can’t let go because of the truth of it, is the statement that there is nothing anywhere written that we deserve or are promised happiness. That sounds like a really bleak statement but we say the reverse all the time: you deserve to be happy. But why?

Confession time. Its taken me a long time to want to admit this, or to even admit it to myself. I’m fairly certain I’m fighting a nasty battle of anxiety and depression. It just might be at the point that I can’t manage it by myself. I don’t sleep well. I wake up tired. I’m tired all the time. I fight headaches every day. I get deep-tissue massages every two weeks and we still can’t get the stress knots out of my back/neck. I emotional eat and can’t lose weight. I worry over everything and nothing all at the same time. I’ve isolated myself to a very small group of people. I’m not finding joy in any of my hobbies.

Something has to change.

After reading that paragraph you’d think that the podcast I mentioned would have pushed me further down in the valley. Right? Instead it had the opposite effect. It made me stop. It made me pray. And it made me keep listening to the rest of the message. While we aren’t promised a happy life, it can be made better if you live for what matters. You can’t just keep throwing things at yourself to fill a void. No amount of money or things or travel or people are going to fill a hole. I need to work on finding what matters to me and the rest will sort itself out. Where am I investing…me?

For starters, I ordered some new supplements this weekend that are a more homeopathic route to relieving stress and anxiety. I’m going to try this first. See if it helps me take the edge off as I start climbing out.

Second, I went to a new church this week. I haven’t had a true church home since my divorce and I miss that in my life. I cried my way through the songs this morning. It was what I needed.

Third, I’m going to intentionally take the pressure off myself to lose weight. That is a stress I can choose to leave behind. It will happen when it happens. And deep down I know that if I get healthy, it will all fall into place. I have no time-table and I need to stop acting like it.

Fourth, I’m going to try harder to leave work at work. I don’t let things go and I bring it all home with me. That has to stop. I’m still trying to figure out how to implement this one. If you have any pointers I’m very open to it.

Lastly, I’m going to write more. Here. Not just privately. It’s not that I have anything monumental to say, I just know for me that sometimes getting it out there and being held accountable for it, well, it helps.

Thanks for listening and for hanging with me on this journey. ūüôā

TODAY I LOVE: freshly mowed grass
SONG OF THE DAY: “Say Something” by Jasmine Thompson

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divorce, emotions

Choosing joy.

 I’m gonna be candid.  It’s been a hell of a few days.  I know I go into a lot of things here but all the details that sent me off the deep end are going to remain in my secret journal not my public one.  When there are other people involved it gets tricky and I don’t want to cause more drama.  

At any rate,  I got the news at the end of last week that my ex-husband was engaged.  You wouldn’t think something like that would send me off the rails as we have been divorced for over a year now.  But it did.  It just made me so sad.  And, like I said, I’m going to leave a bunch of my thoughts and reasonings private, but hello sadness and depression.  And ugly thoughts of myself and self worth.  

I wallowed in it for a day and then out of the blue my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the lake with her and my brother.  And completely out of character for me, I said yes.  I got up off the couch, put on my bikini, and hit the road.  An hour and 15 minutes later, I was on the water and soaking up the sun.  It was 95 degrees outside, the water temp was 86 degrees and PERFECT.   

My brother was his typical silly, fun-loving, people-person self.  He played “photographer” and held his own photoshoot with my phone (the picture above.). It was so stinking funny.  And you know what, I kind of value all those stupid pictures on my phone.  Because that is a genuine, free, and willing smile.  I was laughing so hard at that moment.  And I’m so thankful I have record of it to go back on. Even looking at it now it makes me smile.  I wasn’t thinking about my past life.   I wasn’t thinking about my current life.  I wasn’t thinking about all the things I have OR don’t have.  I wasn’t thinking about who loves me and who doesn’t.  I had JOY.  

So I’m going to keep staring at this photo and remembering to choose joy.  Because the rest of the crap that is lingering in my psyche is just literally just crap.  It’s jaded thoughts, it’s distorted memories, and it’s the past.  Choose.  Joy.  This is my reminder that I CAN set it all aside and be happy.  Happiness can creep up and overtake the crap.  This picture is evidence.  I’m so, so thankful for it.  So thankful.  

I’m not normally spontaneous, but this one little trip gave me a hard-shift to my perspective and thoughts. 

TODAY I LOVE:  pool floaties 

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Beginnings

finding happy

Since the divorce and all the stuff after, feelings and emotions all seem more…real. ¬†I don’t mean to say that when I was married I didn’t fully feel things; that’s not it. ¬†I think because I don’t necessarily have someone with me all the time to share in a feeling or emotion, I get the full force of it. ¬†Sometimes I wallow in it (most of the time.) ¬†I’ve had my fair share of pity parties and dance parties. ¬†The highs are high and the lows…well, they are really, really low. ¬†Why is it always easier to share the highs and celebrations with other people but when you’re down you seclude yourself away, thinking you can handle it on your own?

At any rate, this year one of my goals or wishes for myself was to put a concerted effort into finding something, even if it’s something small, to be happy for every day. ¬†It might be the tiniest things or it could be HUGE. ¬†Today will be day 85 of my happy streak.

This exercise has shown me so much. ¬†Some days I get to the end of the day and I think to myself, “I’ve had nothing to be happy about today. ¬†It’s been a total crap day.” ¬†When that happens I’ll force myself to a happier time, something that makes me all warm inside. ¬†Or I’ll start thinking much smaller; like being thankful or happy for the warm drink in my hand or the smile my best friend gave me that morning. ¬†It’s shown me I have so much TO be happy about. ¬†Not all days are great, sure, but I’ve got a huge well to draw from. ¬†It has put a halt to the extended pity parties and makes the highs last longer.

I’ll definitely be keeping up the happy streak. ¬†Maybe you should start one too!

Be happy, my friends.

TODAY I LOVE: gummy vitamins

 

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Sassy

back that sass up

Those of you that know me in real life know I have the weird fascination with Beyonce. ¬†Whenever I wake up feeling super sassy; that’s Beyonce-mode. ¬†I get out the heels, slap on the red lipstick, fluff up the hair, and LET IT GO.

Today is one of those days and I’m not really sure why. ¬†As I was driving home from the gym this morning I started thinking about all the meetings I had today, about personal situations, and my general feeling of awesomeness after a great lifting session. ¬†And it was like all of the sudden – BOOM. ¬†I had instant Sarah Sass. ¬†There are very few things that can stop me when I’m in this mood.

I’ve been assertive. ¬†I’ve been walking with extra bounce and confidence in my step. ¬†And, of course, singing at the top of my lungs in my car. ¬†(And maybe in my office too but at a slightly less volume.)

I might have to dance when I get home. ¬†Who knows. ¬†Be Beyonce today. ¬†It’s pretty fun. ¬†Nothing scares people like a confident woman. ¬†ūüôā

TODAY I LOVE:  people who look you in the eye when speaking to you

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