someone has turned on the lights.

7N5A6146My grandmother just had cataract surgery in both of her eyes.  After she got out of the surgery she immediately said, “It is like someone has turned on all the lights!”  I love that.  It is also how I feel right now.  Now that the emotional and dark cloud of April has passed, now that I’ve mostly dealt with lingering emotional baggage, it’s as if someone has turned on all the lights.  Everything is brighter.  Everything is blooming.  Everything has possibility.

Before I move on to new things, I’d be remiss to not thank my dear, dear friends for getting me through a dark period.  I won’t list them; you know who you are.  They diligently tried to keep me focused, always tried to keep me smiling, and became the master of distractions when I needed it.  April was just HARD.  A lot of things that I’d apparently buried and kept swallowed since the divorce resurfaced and I had to deal with them.  I know it had to be frustrating for everyone in my life.  I’m sure you all were asking yourselves the question, “WHY WON’T SHE JUST GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON IT. IS. THE. PAST?!”  Yeah well, I asked myself the same thing.  So there.  But I’m happy to report I’m in a much better place right now.

I have so much to look forward to the remainder of this year! I’m moving into a cute house in a great old neighborhood with my bestie soul sister.  I’m going to Kauai with my fella and his family.  Plus lots of work stuff (that I could turn into very stressful things but I’m going to choose to see it as opportunities to make myself even more awesome.)  <- (Remind me about this statement later on in the year when I’m so stressed I can’t think straight.)

Lastly, as you’ve probably figured out from the last several months I WANTED to be super dedicated to my diet and fitness but I just…haven’t.  It’s embarrassing to say it but it’s true.  I’ve gained back a bit of what I lost last year and I’ve let emotions (see above) rule me for far too long this year.  Today started a new attack.  I’ve got 113 days until Kauai.  That, my friends, is a challenge I’m ready to pounce on.  I think I’ve finally regained the inner motivation and discipline I had the entirety of last year.  It is the only way this is going to work; no one can do it for me.  I’m goal driven and 113 days is an ending within sight.  I won’t make any promises right now because I’m sure you’re all thinking, “Sarah, you’ve said all these things before.”  True.  Just watch and see.  If Kauai wasn’t enough motivation I’m moving in with my friend and that means ANOTHER CLOSET OF CLOTHES.  I’m going to fit into her clothes if it kills me.

Happies.  Goals.  New environments.  Smiles.  Sunny weather.  Pretty flowers.

Someone has turned on the lights.

TODAY I LOVE: the color they painted on my toes last week…it’s called cerulean sea

Choosing joy.

 I’m gonna be candid.  It’s been a hell of a few days.  I know I go into a lot of things here but all the details that sent me off the deep end are going to remain in my secret journal not my public one.  When there are other people involved it gets tricky and I don’t want to cause more drama.  

At any rate,  I got the news at the end of last week that my ex-husband was engaged.  You wouldn’t think something like that would send me off the rails as we have been divorced for over a year now.  But it did.  It just made me so sad.  And, like I said, I’m going to leave a bunch of my thoughts and reasonings private, but hello sadness and depression.  And ugly thoughts of myself and self worth.  

I wallowed in it for a day and then out of the blue my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the lake with her and my brother.  And completely out of character for me, I said yes.  I got up off the couch, put on my bikini, and hit the road.  An hour and 15 minutes later, I was on the water and soaking up the sun.  It was 95 degrees outside, the water temp was 86 degrees and PERFECT.   

My brother was his typical silly, fun-loving, people-person self.  He played “photographer” and held his own photoshoot with my phone (the picture above.). It was so stinking funny.  And you know what, I kind of value all those stupid pictures on my phone.  Because that is a genuine, free, and willing smile.  I was laughing so hard at that moment.  And I’m so thankful I have record of it to go back on. Even looking at it now it makes me smile.  I wasn’t thinking about my past life.   I wasn’t thinking about my current life.  I wasn’t thinking about all the things I have OR don’t have.  I wasn’t thinking about who loves me and who doesn’t.  I had JOY.  

So I’m going to keep staring at this photo and remembering to choose joy.  Because the rest of the crap that is lingering in my psyche is just literally just crap.  It’s jaded thoughts, it’s distorted memories, and it’s the past.  Choose.  Joy.  This is my reminder that I CAN set it all aside and be happy.  Happiness can creep up and overtake the crap.  This picture is evidence.  I’m so, so thankful for it.  So thankful.  

I’m not normally spontaneous, but this one little trip gave me a hard-shift to my perspective and thoughts. 

TODAY I LOVE:  pool floaties 

random friday stuff: vol 2

After a rather heavy week it’s time to lighten up a bit.  Here are some random (and sometimes funny) oddities for the week:

  • I’ve been laughing at this panda rolling down a hill for the last 3 days.  I just watch it on loop.  And giggle like a toddler.
  • I took this selfie when playing with Snapchat filters the other day.  Even though this really is a filter, I feel like it’s what my eyebrows look like all the time.  IMG_2156 2
  • I’ve sang “Hurts so Good” by John Cougar Mellencamp about 100 times this week.  At the top of my lungs.  And kinda danced a lot.  You should do it too.  Instantly makes the day better.  🙂
  • I ordered the wrong size of shoes online a few months ago in a close out sale.  They are almost a full size too big.  But I’m wearing them today just because.  My feet are flopping around like Fievel Goes West.  Or a clown.  Probably more the clown side of things.
  • Confession: when I need some exercise calories or just really want to get in an instant good mood, I’ll get up and dance with The Fitness Marshall.  He just makes me laugh and laugh.  I’ve been addicted to these two songs this week: Yeah and Swalla.  My cat doesn’t judge my horrible dance moves.

Alright, well, I’ve probably embarrassed myself enough today.  Have a happy Friday everyone!

TODAY I LOVE: those special phone wipe things that clean the gunk off your phone screen.  Because eww.

really moving on

You guys, I really debated if I was going to post this one or not.  It’s likely too personal, too raw, and too real.  (It’s been sitting in my drafts for days and days.)  But you know what?  I decided to hit publish.  Because like I said several posts ago, not every day is bright and shiny.  Some days are hamburger meat: raw, smelly, and squishy.

This past week I found out my ex-husband has been in a relationship for quite some time now.  First things first, let me get this out of the way and be very clear about it: I’m happy for him.  I’m in a relationship with someone too, so none of what I’m saying should be clouded or construed incorrectly under the guise that I’m bitter.  That is so, so, so not the point of this.

I’ve honestly been hoping and praying for quite some time that the right gal would come along for him.  We had our problems in our marriage (obviously, or we wouldn’t be divorced) but he’s a great guy and he deserves to be happy.  It’s just…the reality of actually seeing him with someone else…it’s just weird.  I don’t think you can be with someone, love someone, for 17 years of your life and it not feel strange.  It’s not something your emotions are conditioned to understand at first.  It’s would be like me seeing the same blue sky for years, but then all of the sudden waking up and looking outside and it’s orange.  lol.  It takes some getting used to.  It’s…finality.  I’m sure I’ve made a mess of explaining this, but it sure does feel good to let it out.  That doesn’t stop the slight sting that I feel of finally knowing I’ve been replaced, but at least I know it’s with a good girl.

At any rate, I am really glad that we’ve both moved on and are repairing the damage that we caused each other.  It really does make my heart happy, and I mean that sincerely, that he appears to be happy.  He and I talk a bit, but we haven’t talked about this.  In some ways I’m thankful.  We still care about each other and maybe tiptoe around some stuff so the other doesn’t get hurt.  I appreciate that.

So…how do you wrap up something like this?  🙂 Life moves on and things are definitely changing.  And as I like to say, that’s ok too.

And guess what?!  I actually did the RIGHT thing this time.  I didn’t eat my feelings!  No stress eating macaroni and cheese and pizza and cake for me!

TODAY I LOVE: feeling sunshine on my face