really real reality

Shootout.jpg.e2ceda5e6854df2c8893abada78336abIf you’ve followed me for very long at all, I write a lot about my weight, exercise, diet, etc.  I like these things.  I like seeing progress and I hate admitting failure.  However, like two sides to any coin you’re always going to have them both.  Last year it was success upon success in my weight-loss and fitness journey.  This year is a different story.

Life has happened to me in a big way this year.  I was depressed for quite a long time and stressed even longer.  Even so, I did the very best I could with my macro guidelines and I exercised way more than not.  Still…no change.  We’ve lowered calories, changed macros, changed again, added and added and added cardio…no change.  I haven’t gained it all back, but I’ve gained this year.  Many of my wins last year have been overturned.  It’s hard not to say, “Sarah, if you just cut your calories more, you have to lost weight.”  Um, yeah, no.  I’ve done that.  I can’t really cut anymore or my body will definitely freak out.

To say that it is defeating is the most gigantic understatement you can utter.  I’m leaving for vacation in a few short weeks and this is NOT the shape I wanted to be in for it.  My poor roommate has had to deal with my meltdowns this week especially as I’m trying to buy a dress for a wedding and purchase clothes for the beach.

WHY JUST WHY.

And sadly, the long and the short of it is this…we don’t know.  Maybe my body is tired of dieting.  Maybe my body has some weird hormone things (hello STRESS) that are hijacking all the good things I’m doing.  Maybe I just need a reset and a change.  Maybe I need rest.  Who the hell knows.

So.  Really real reality.  I’m staring at my beach vacation straight in the eye.  I’m many pounds heavier than I planned.  In my mind it is kind of like one of those old outside-the-OK-corral standoffs.  Wyatt Earp staring down his opponent (before he went crazy – important fact.)  Am I going to let my perception of how I needed to be ruin my vacation?    As much as it is a struggle to say – no.  I’m not going to let it win.

I’m me.  Despite the outside package and wrappings, I’m quite awesome.   I can lift very heavy things and put them back down.  I have great hair.  My skincare routine is longer than some people’s showers and I love it.   I can spout random music facts on a whim.  I have a really awesome cat.  The older I get I’m finding joy in being myself and surprising people who expect something different.  I smile a lot and I like to make other people smile too.  My fella loves me.  I’m going to PARADISE.

When I wrap my head around all those great things, how can I let a stubborn body beat me?  It is all in my PERCEPTION of me.  And the great thing is…I can work on changing that.  It might not change how my clothes fit or the number on the scale, but if I can find happiness in my happies until the tide turns, the coin flips, or my body decides to listen, well, that’s a big win.  I’ll dip back into my college days, and all those psychology/counseling classes:  I’m taking a mental picture and I’m reframing it so I see it differently.

If you’re in the same spot I am…take stock and reframe the shot.  It is a by-the-minute battle, but if I can do it then you can too.

TODAY I LOVE: Peach & Lily.  I should just sign my paycheck over.

 

the post I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to write.

It’s Monday morning on Labor Day.  I’m sitting here on my sofa, having a cup of tea, planning my meals for the week, and gearing myself up to hit the gym.   This last month, especially the last week has been one of the most stressful I’ve had in a while.  Exactly four weeks ago I broke my ankle.  Last week I had an allergic reaction to a dye in a new vitamin I started taking and that turned into some really nasty urticarial welts in spots (don’t google that – so gross) all the while working an 80 hour week to respond to Hurricane Harvey.  I’m hopped up on so many steroids and antihistamines right now I should be resistant to just about everything.  It’s just been a lot of things and little rest.

The broken ankle really messed me up mentally.  I was having such great momentum and progress with my lifting and weightloss and I knew that was going to have to change.  I’m so, so blessed (and I can’t say this enough) with my best friend, who also happens to be my coach and encourager and sister by choice.  She’s brilliant and within hours already had me talked of the ledge and had alternative moves I could do for every single exercise.  I didn’t have to stop.  I’ve had to make lots of modifications.  I cannot tell you how much I’m ready to do cardio other than the stationary bike and row machine.

Back in January I set a goal to lose 30 pounds.  If I’m being entirely truthful, I didn’t think I’d be able to do it.  Why?  Because I’ve said that same goal for the last 2 years.  And I never happened.  This morning I stepped on the scale, as I do every morning, and I’ve officially lost 31.2 pounds.  It took me 7 and a half months but I did it.  That was 7.5 months of working my ass off, fixing my metabolism, losing fat and gaining muscle, getting my dietary calories UP not DOWN, and not giving up.   Looking back at my weight log, I lost 9lbs while with a broken ankle.  Crazy!!

Last week Ash asked me what my new goal is now that I was nearly to my current goal.  I’d already thought about it.  Now I want to get to my goal HEALTHY weight.  Which now, as of this morning, is about 9lbs away.

I’m really glad I got to write this post.  The words I’ve wanted to say for over two years.  Thank you to all of you who have been so encouraging.  Most especially my Ash.

TODAY I LOVE: I get to go buy new clothes for a good reason