something to hold onto

Sometimes I wonder why I still blog. I mean, it is kind of a dying thing. But then I start writing and I remember that sometimes an online journal can be healing. So I think that is where I am today. I don’t know what I need to say, but I need to say it.

Five weeks ago I took off work and took my grandma to the doctor. She had been so nauseous for days and was having pain in her stomach and back. She’s so stubborn, I doubt she would have went to the doctor even then if my brother and I hadn’t pushed her. Her doctor ran some tests and that was when we found all the cancer. It was everywhere. Evenso, Grandma said, “I’m not ready to go yet, fellas. I’ve still got stuff to do.” The next week she had an appointment with a cardio-thoracic surgeon and the next week she had a scoping procedure. And a week after that she was gone. Three weeks. My grandma has been gone from me for 2 weeks now and I still haven’t quite wrapped my mind around it.

You never want to play favorites with family as it would likely hurt someone’s feelings. But she was my favorite. And she knew it. I made sure she knew it. She and I had gotten so close over the last 6 years, and even more so after my divorce. I could tell her anything and everything and she’d just hug me. We’d spent nights staying up late watching movies and talking about life. One year I was there several days every weekend as she was helping me make an afghan throw as a gift. It was so much fun. She had no problems making fun of my crocheting skills. 🙂 She taught me how to make meringue and how to scrub a floor. She taught me how to sew and she demonstrated a work ethic I still try to live up to. Every time I traveled she’d make us get out the atlas and look up where I’d be, so she could find me. She was my bonus-mom, best friend, biggest champion.

Grandma started getting sick about the time the quarantines, work-from-home, and lockdowns really started. After she passed we couldn’t have a funeral. We couldn’t grieve as a family. My brother and I just went back to work.

Everything about this present time just doesn’t seem real. Not leaving the house, strategically planning grocery pick ups, the strain of a busy work schedule, and her being gone. All the things that used to tether me are scattered and I just can’t grasp the strings. It makes one question just how many things can be taken away before you forget who you are?

It sounds so very trivial, but I need to start caring about the things I cared about before all of this. My health, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness, and relationships all need to mean something and be priorities again. I’ve started on those first 4 today…a tiny baby step that I’m not even going to write here because it’s so very small that I’ll discourage myself before I even start. If I can keep adding those babysteps every day, my hope is that they will snowball into bigger leaps.

So that is where I am today. I’m considering this part of my journaling and decided I’d share it with you in case anyone is sitting in the same spot that I am currently. I hope that you can find just one thing to grab onto, and take a tiny babystep to making your grip a little stronger. We’re in this together.

TODAY I LOVE: Animal Crossing New Horizons
SONG OF THE DAY: “Feel Me” by Selena Gomez


I changed my hair color this week. I needed change. I am obsessed with it. Red!

Hello all. I know I’ve been MIA the last several weeks and I’m sorry for that. Life has been happening.

Lots of life has been happening. Real life with hard emotions, big decisions, love, loss, and forging forward. And with all that stuff, I just needed to turn inward and work through it. I’m still working through it and that’s ok. At any rate, I don’t want to talk about it, but it all leads me to where I am this day.

The anxiety/stress/emotional drain of all the things made all my symptoms (acid, nausea, etc.) return. Therefore, as food as been constantly the same with no changes in 4 weeks, I think it is safe to say my issues are something else (not entirely food related.) So, although this extreme diet didn’t give me the results I was ultimately looking for (solving my health issues), it DID help me know that with that variable constant, it is something else in my body that is wrong.

I’ve slowly started adding some food back into the rotation. I cannot tell you how very wonderful that first cup of coffee tasted. Best cuppa ever. It does, however, give me heartburn. It has been fascinating adding food back in and monitoring what it does to me. For instance, either gluten OR sugar make my sinuses stuff right up and make it hard to breathe. I ate at cookie and within an hour my sinuses were swollen. WEIRD. I haven’t had another one to test it again.

My next steps on my health journey will be to get back in touch with my doctor and see what’s up. Ulcer? Overactive hiatal hernia? Yeah, I don’t know. I do know this: I have GOT to get my stress/anxiety under control and managed.

I added yoga into the mix this week. I’ve never really given yoga fair shake and I kinda feel bad about that. I found an app that has yoga “classes” and I’m hoping by adding this at the end of my day and focusing on the breathing and the mindset, it will help me mentally just as much as physically. I’m about as flexible as a concrete pole, so we shall see how this goes. 😀 I’ve been practicing this habit for a week now and I can definitely say it has helped me mentally. I do it right when I get home from work, consciously trying to let out the bad and in the good and LET. THINGS. GO.

Thanks for hanging with me. I still have the note “Not Today” taped to one of my computer monitors at work. I’ve been staring at it a lot this week, remembering why I put it there in the first place. Not Today. Not Today. Today I will not give into all the feelings that brought me to the bottom.

TODAY I LOVE: savasana (corpse pose in yoga)…I can do this one.
SONG OF THE DAY: “God Willing and the Creek Don’t Rise” by Ray LaMontagne and The Pariah Dogs