I’ve had one of those days today where my emotions have been up/down/up/down/up/down. REPEAT TIMES 1,000. I’ve been so “up” that I’ve giggled with satisfaction of a big win, and I’ve been so “down” that I literally almost passed out because my adrenaline dropped from anxiety/stress over other news. Yeah, it’s been a day. But it reminded me of one thing I’ve failed to tell you all lately. There is an upside.
I’ve written a lot over the last few weeks about how I’m struggling. It is no secret, I’m still struggling. I probably WILL be struggling for a while. You can’t fix years of emotional conditioning in just a few weeks. But I don’t want this home to just be a negative space. I’m not really sure why it seems easier to talk about the ugly stuff, but it is. In a way a success seems…braggy?
In the last 6 weeks I have seen and felt change in me. Maybe not in outward appearances, but inside. I’m smiling more. I’m talking more. I’ve intentionally taken myself out of my comfort zone time and time again and it hasn’t hurt me yet. I’ve even let a few people see the real Sarah and they haven’t run away. They’ve run toward. I’ve given up control in some areas and it’s helped immensely.
I think once I accepted that I’m at the bottom, I realized that everything I do that brings a smile to my face or helps me sleep at night, can be considered a win. Every win brings me closer to not carrying around the backpack of anxiety, to being ashamed to look in the mirror, and to feeling unworthy.
In a day full of ups and downs, I’m going to celebrate my ups. I’m also going to celebrate that recovered from the downs (and didn’t just live there! And didn’t eat a pint of ice cream in the process.)
To all of you who have been interacting with me privately, I hope you’re celebrating today too. Find something to celebrate. All these little wins add up.
TODAY I LOVE: the smell of honeysuckle
SONG OF THE DAY: “Below My Feet” by Mumford & Sons
I’m gonna be candid. It’s been a hell of a few days. I know I go into a lot of things here but all the details that sent me off the deep end are going to remain in my secret journal not my public one. When there are other people involved it gets tricky and I don’t want to cause more drama.
At any rate, I got the news at the end of last week that my ex-husband was engaged. You wouldn’t think something like that would send me off the rails as we have been divorced for over a year now. But it did. It just made me so sad. And, like I said, I’m going to leave a bunch of my thoughts and reasonings private, but hello sadness and depression. And ugly thoughts of myself and self worth.
I wallowed in it for a day and then out of the blue my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the lake with her and my brother. And completely out of character for me, I said yes. I got up off the couch, put on my bikini, and hit the road. An hour and 15 minutes later, I was on the water and soaking up the sun. It was 95 degrees outside, the water temp was 86 degrees and PERFECT.
My brother was his typical silly, fun-loving, people-person self. He played “photographer” and held his own photoshoot with my phone (the picture above.). It was so stinking funny. And you know what, I kind of value all those stupid pictures on my phone. Because that is a genuine, free, and willing smile. I was laughing so hard at that moment. And I’m so thankful I have record of it to go back on. Even looking at it now it makes me smile. I wasn’t thinking about my past life. I wasn’t thinking about my current life. I wasn’t thinking about all the things I have OR don’t have. I wasn’t thinking about who loves me and who doesn’t. I had JOY.
So I’m going to keep staring at this photo and remembering to choose joy. Because the rest of the crap that is lingering in my psyche is just literally just crap. It’s jaded thoughts, it’s distorted memories, and it’s the past. Choose. Joy. This is my reminder that I CAN set it all aside and be happy. Happiness can creep up and overtake the crap. This picture is evidence. I’m so, so thankful for it. So thankful.
I’m not normally spontaneous, but this one little trip gave me a hard-shift to my perspective and thoughts.
TODAY I LOVE: pool floaties
After a rather heavy week it’s time to lighten up a bit. Here are some random (and sometimes funny) oddities for the week:
- I’ve been laughing at this panda rolling down a hill for the last 3 days. I just watch it on loop. And giggle like a toddler.
- I took this selfie when playing with Snapchat filters the other day. Even though this really is a filter, I feel like it’s what my eyebrows look like all the time.
- I’ve sang “Hurts so Good” by John Cougar Mellencamp about 100 times this week. At the top of my lungs. And kinda danced a lot. You should do it too. Instantly makes the day better. 🙂
- I ordered the wrong size of shoes online a few months ago in a close out sale. They are almost a full size too big. But I’m wearing them today just because. My feet are flopping around like Fievel Goes West. Or a clown. Probably more the clown side of things.
- Confession: when I need some exercise calories or just really want to get in an instant good mood, I’ll get up and dance with The Fitness Marshall. He just makes me laugh and laugh. I’ve been addicted to these two songs this week: Yeah and Swalla. My cat doesn’t judge my horrible dance moves.
Alright, well, I’ve probably embarrassed myself enough today. Have a happy Friday everyone!
TODAY I LOVE: those special phone wipe things that clean the gunk off your phone screen. Because eww.
It’s really easy to only write about happy things. I like writing about accomplishments. I get downright giddy sharing a life hack that helped me. It is not fun, however, exposing the underbelly of emotion. The emotions that bubble up and catch you unawares. The emotions that make you crawl into yourself and hide until it’s all better. Sadly, I’m not being a very authentic person if you only get the good side.
Yesterday was just rough. For the first time in 3 diligent months I just did NOT care about my macros. I did fine all day but by the time dinner rolled around I was in such a mood that pretty much said, “Screw it” and ate whatever I wanted. (Thankfully I don’t really keep much in my apartment.) I had cleaned my office earlier in the day and in doing so it brought up a lot of emotions and memories. Other than a few items, I hadn’t changed anything since the divorce. All in all, I was lonely and sad. And apparently ate my feelings (they taste like macaroni and cheese among other things.)
Afterwards I felt like such a failure. That is not a great place to be, nor is it at all healthy mentally. It was one day; one meal. Lucky for me, my best girl called me out on these unhealthy thoughts and brought me around. These days are going to happen. I’ve got to manage my emotions, anticipate how I need to handle things, and not revert to my old way of stress/emotion management. Life isn’t going to be easy and these moments are going to happen again. And that’s ok.
Today, my friend, is a new day. And that’s ok too.
TODAY I LOVE: opening a new tube of toothpaste (it’s evenly distributed!)
Since the divorce and all the stuff after, feelings and emotions all seem more…real. I don’t mean to say that when I was married I didn’t fully feel things; that’s not it. I think because I don’t necessarily have someone with me all the time to share in a feeling or emotion, I get the full force of it. Sometimes I wallow in it (most of the time.) I’ve had my fair share of pity parties and dance parties. The highs are high and the lows…well, they are really, really low. Why is it always easier to share the highs and celebrations with other people but when you’re down you seclude yourself away, thinking you can handle it on your own?
At any rate, this year one of my goals or wishes for myself was to put a concerted effort into finding something, even if it’s something small, to be happy for every day. It might be the tiniest things or it could be HUGE. Today will be day 85 of my happy streak.
This exercise has shown me so much. Some days I get to the end of the day and I think to myself, “I’ve had nothing to be happy about today. It’s been a total crap day.” When that happens I’ll force myself to a happier time, something that makes me all warm inside. Or I’ll start thinking much smaller; like being thankful or happy for the warm drink in my hand or the smile my best friend gave me that morning. It’s shown me I have so much TO be happy about. Not all days are great, sure, but I’ve got a huge well to draw from. It has put a halt to the extended pity parties and makes the highs last longer.
I’ll definitely be keeping up the happy streak. Maybe you should start one too!
Be happy, my friends.
TODAY I LOVE: gummy vitamins
Those of you that know me in real life know I have the weird fascination with Beyonce. Whenever I wake up feeling super sassy; that’s Beyonce-mode. I get out the heels, slap on the red lipstick, fluff up the hair, and LET IT GO.
Today is one of those days and I’m not really sure why. As I was driving home from the gym this morning I started thinking about all the meetings I had today, about personal situations, and my general feeling of awesomeness after a great lifting session. And it was like all of the sudden – BOOM. I had instant Sarah Sass. There are very few things that can stop me when I’m in this mood.
I’ve been assertive. I’ve been walking with extra bounce and confidence in my step. And, of course, singing at the top of my lungs in my car. (And maybe in my office too but at a slightly less volume.)
I might have to dance when I get home. Who knows. Be Beyonce today. It’s pretty fun. Nothing scares people like a confident woman. 🙂
TODAY I LOVE: people who look you in the eye when speaking to you