really real reality

Shootout.jpg.e2ceda5e6854df2c8893abada78336abIf you’ve followed me for very long at all, I write a lot about my weight, exercise, diet, etc.  I like these things.  I like seeing progress and I hate admitting failure.  However, like two sides to any coin you’re always going to have them both.  Last year it was success upon success in my weight-loss and fitness journey.  This year is a different story.

Life has happened to me in a big way this year.  I was depressed for quite a long time and stressed even longer.  Even so, I did the very best I could with my macro guidelines and I exercised way more than not.  Still…no change.  We’ve lowered calories, changed macros, changed again, added and added and added cardio…no change.  I haven’t gained it all back, but I’ve gained this year.  Many of my wins last year have been overturned.  It’s hard not to say, “Sarah, if you just cut your calories more, you have to lost weight.”  Um, yeah, no.  I’ve done that.  I can’t really cut anymore or my body will definitely freak out.

To say that it is defeating is the most gigantic understatement you can utter.  I’m leaving for vacation in a few short weeks and this is NOT the shape I wanted to be in for it.  My poor roommate has had to deal with my meltdowns this week especially as I’m trying to buy a dress for a wedding and purchase clothes for the beach.

WHY JUST WHY.

And sadly, the long and the short of it is this…we don’t know.  Maybe my body is tired of dieting.  Maybe my body has some weird hormone things (hello STRESS) that are hijacking all the good things I’m doing.  Maybe I just need a reset and a change.  Maybe I need rest.  Who the hell knows.

So.  Really real reality.  I’m staring at my beach vacation straight in the eye.  I’m many pounds heavier than I planned.  In my mind it is kind of like one of those old outside-the-OK-corral standoffs.  Wyatt Earp staring down his opponent (before he went crazy – important fact.)  Am I going to let my perception of how I needed to be ruin my vacation?    As much as it is a struggle to say – no.  I’m not going to let it win.

I’m me.  Despite the outside package and wrappings, I’m quite awesome.   I can lift very heavy things and put them back down.  I have great hair.  My skincare routine is longer than some people’s showers and I love it.   I can spout random music facts on a whim.  I have a really awesome cat.  The older I get I’m finding joy in being myself and surprising people who expect something different.  I smile a lot and I like to make other people smile too.  My fella loves me.  I’m going to PARADISE.

When I wrap my head around all those great things, how can I let a stubborn body beat me?  It is all in my PERCEPTION of me.  And the great thing is…I can work on changing that.  It might not change how my clothes fit or the number on the scale, but if I can find happiness in my happies until the tide turns, the coin flips, or my body decides to listen, well, that’s a big win.  I’ll dip back into my college days, and all those psychology/counseling classes:  I’m taking a mental picture and I’m reframing it so I see it differently.

If you’re in the same spot I am…take stock and reframe the shot.  It is a by-the-minute battle, but if I can do it then you can too.

TODAY I LOVE: Peach & Lily.  I should just sign my paycheck over.

 

let’s talk about muscle

I had the most eye-opening realization this past week and I have to share.  I’ll be honest – the whole concept of “muscle” has really been quite foreign to me most of my life.  And what I mean by muscle is actually TRYING to attain any kind of muscle growth/definition that was outside of the typical girl “I’m just toning up” mentality.

For the last 9 weeks I’ve been marching to the beat of a different drum, attempting to get my body to repair and change in a healthy and long-term sustainable manner.  I’ll talk about exactly what I’m doing in a different post at a later time.

Periodically over the last 3 years I’ve kept weight logs and measurement logs and stored them in my journal app on my phone.  Since I’ve begun this new way of life (and stuck with it), I take my weight every day.  That’s been something I’ve had to get used to, but honestly it doesn’t freak me out or depress me as once as it once did.  And the reason why is in my “eye-opening realization.”  🙂

In addition to weighing every day, I take new measurements every month.  Last week I took my two-month measurements.  Since beginning this journey I’ve dropped 11 pounds and 16 inches (total  full body.)  The number on the scale is still awful; I’ve got loads of weight to drop, but I’m losing FAT.  I was bored this past weekend so I was reading through my journal app for old entries and such and stumbled upon one of my measurement entries.  It was when I was at my lowest weight in a while, July 2015.  I was 20lbs lighter than what I am right now.  But get this – in the measurements I was only 4 INCHES different (total).  And yes, it was all in the butt and thighs (this girl has a ghetto booty.)  Can you believe that?!  Only 4 inches.

Inconceivable!  All that stuff people tell you about muscle being heavier BUT “slimmer” is so true.  I wouldn’t have believed it if the measurements hadn’t been my own.   If nothing else this whole exercise is teaching me that the number on the scale really truly isn’t the whole picture. (Some days it’s harder to remember that than others, like when it goes up, but hey, baby steps.)

Muscle for the win!

TODAY I LOVE: the sound of the rain on the roof.  We need the rain!