the flash drive

Be softer with you.
You are a breathing thing.
A memory to someone.
A home to a life.

-Nayyirah Waheed

Today has been hard.  I guess if I’m being honest, the moment the calendar rolled over to April it has been one tough day after another.  April is the month that my ex-husband remarries.

While in my logical and present mind I know this shouldn’t bother me so, it does.  And you could all tell me, “But Sarah, you’ve moved on too.”  Yep, that’s also true.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t mourn the good times I had with one person over the course of 17 years of my life.  Almost HALF my life.  It doesn’t mean I’m not sad that I’ve officially and legally been replaced.  It is a very weird scenario that no one prepares you for in this life.

A long time ago I promised him I would give him a copy of all our years worth of photos and videos.  Since our divorce it has either slipped my mind or I just haven’t wanted to deal with it.  I have to meet him on Tuesday to sign one more lingering legal thing that ties us together and decided it would also be a good time to give him our memories.  So today I have filtered through them; thousands of photos and videos are now housed on a tiny flash drive ready to be delivered.  It’s almost like cutting through every scar, opening it up wide, and letting it all flow again.  One of my FAVORITE ARTISTS OF ALL TIME released an album a month or so ago and the first song guts me but it’s so real for me right now.  Here’s the first verse:

A love song was playing on the radio
It made me me kind of sad because it made me think of you
And I wonder how you’re doing  but I wish I didn’t care
Because I gave you all I had and got the worst of you

By the way, I forgive you
After all, maybe I should thank you
For giving me what I’ve found
‘Cause without you around
I’ve been doing just fine
Except for any time I hear that song

I’m trying to tell myself that this is ok.  I need to get it out, let it hurt, feel it, and move on. It doesn’t do me any good to bottle up the pain like it doesn’t exist because it does.  It’s real.  You can’t link yourself intricately with another person and not mourn the extrication, no matter the circumstances.  The key is to not dwell.

So despite me wanting to write this out and let the whole world read it, I’m trying my very best in this moment to be kind to me.  Feeling the hurt, moving through it, not comparing or assuming things, and recognizing I’m a person that deserves love too.  If anyone out there in this world is in the same spot I am, I hope this gives you some encouragement.  Even though it seems as if I’m saying it from a dark place; I see the light.  And that is positive.  Look for the light.

The memories I unearthed today made me laugh as much as cry.  And in “purging” them to that flash drive I’m choosing to visualize it as emptying my tank.  I’m now all ready for new memories to fill their place.

Bring on the new memories.  Fill up the tank.

TODAY I LOVE: the smell of Earl Grey tea

the next 30 days

I wish I could tell you that I started this year just killing my workouts and nailing my diet and never being lazy or tired or sick or inconsistent.  But that would be a lie.  With the exception of a couple of good weeks, 2018 has been a roiling boil of excuses and exceptions.  It is embarrassing.  Also infuriating.  I woke up this morning just straight up mad.

I don’t like that all my new smaller clothes are a tinge uncomfortable.  I don’t like that I have no energy because I haven’t been eating correctly.  I don’t like being scared to step on the scale.  And I REALLY don’t like feeling like a failure.  This is a really real confession that I hate to admit, but hey, it is what it is.  I hate that in my mind it feels like I’m giving all the doubters what they wanted to see all along.  “I knew she wouldn’t/couldn’t keep it up.”  *WOMP*  That statement is way too much to unpack in this post, but it’s definitely something I’m journaling about privately.  Homegirl has some issues.  I really hate that my mood and thoughts of myself tend to hinge on how comfortable I feel in my skin.

ANYWAY.  I had every intention of being 100% everything this week.  However due to a variety of reason that were out of my control, that didn’t happen.  So here’s what I’m telling you – I’ve made a pact with myself.  All this mess stops here.  I mean, I was perfect with diet and exercise for 8 WEEKS WITH A BROKEN ANKLE.  I can do this.

I love my Apple Watch.  I’m tied to it like I married the thing.  I love that it gives you little challenges to complete every now and again.  I am a sucker for pretty rewards.  (Yes, I was the girl in school who wanted alllllllll the gold stars by her name.  I like shiny things.)  So I’m creating a Sarah Challenge.

In just over 30 days I go to Dallas for a work convention.  There is a pretty good possibility I’m going to have to be fabulous in front of a whole lot of people.  I don’t want to feel like this when I need to be the epitome of self-confidence.  For the next 30 days I’m committing to myself to do the following:

  • Close all my 3 of my apple watch rings every day.
  • Lift/strength training 6 days a week (already do this when I’m consistent.)
  • Auxiliary Class (barre, TRX, yoga, etc.) 2 days a week
  • 100% on my macro levels.  No exceptions. No cheats.
  • Drop at least 5lbs of the fluff I gained over the holidays.  I didn’t handle the holidays and vacation appropriately.  I’ve learned my lesson.  Now I need to fix it.
  • Everyday identify something within me to feel confident about.

I can do this.  I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.  I just need that line in the sand and the deadline to make it happen.  Once I can get in the groove I’ll be just fine.  No more excuses.  I just can’t do it anymore.

TODAY I LOVE: the entire Drunk Elephant skincare line.  GAME CHANGER.

Choosing joy.

 I’m gonna be candid.  It’s been a hell of a few days.  I know I go into a lot of things here but all the details that sent me off the deep end are going to remain in my secret journal not my public one.  When there are other people involved it gets tricky and I don’t want to cause more drama.  

At any rate,  I got the news at the end of last week that my ex-husband was engaged.  You wouldn’t think something like that would send me off the rails as we have been divorced for over a year now.  But it did.  It just made me so sad.  And, like I said, I’m going to leave a bunch of my thoughts and reasonings private, but hello sadness and depression.  And ugly thoughts of myself and self worth.  

I wallowed in it for a day and then out of the blue my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the lake with her and my brother.  And completely out of character for me, I said yes.  I got up off the couch, put on my bikini, and hit the road.  An hour and 15 minutes later, I was on the water and soaking up the sun.  It was 95 degrees outside, the water temp was 86 degrees and PERFECT.   

My brother was his typical silly, fun-loving, people-person self.  He played “photographer” and held his own photoshoot with my phone (the picture above.). It was so stinking funny.  And you know what, I kind of value all those stupid pictures on my phone.  Because that is a genuine, free, and willing smile.  I was laughing so hard at that moment.  And I’m so thankful I have record of it to go back on. Even looking at it now it makes me smile.  I wasn’t thinking about my past life.   I wasn’t thinking about my current life.  I wasn’t thinking about all the things I have OR don’t have.  I wasn’t thinking about who loves me and who doesn’t.  I had JOY.  

So I’m going to keep staring at this photo and remembering to choose joy.  Because the rest of the crap that is lingering in my psyche is just literally just crap.  It’s jaded thoughts, it’s distorted memories, and it’s the past.  Choose.  Joy.  This is my reminder that I CAN set it all aside and be happy.  Happiness can creep up and overtake the crap.  This picture is evidence.  I’m so, so thankful for it.  So thankful.  

I’m not normally spontaneous, but this one little trip gave me a hard-shift to my perspective and thoughts. 

TODAY I LOVE:  pool floaties 

the great depression

138 day move streak.  4 perfect months.  21 pounds and 23 inches lost.  I’ve had quite the string of accomplishments lately.  I’m not trying to brag; I’m just proud of myself.  That’s a lot.  I had (have) a long way to go.  I started this year wanting to be healthier not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.  And until the last week or so, I’ve totally killed it.  And then I didn’t.

My boyfriend flew home.  My best friend flew away.  I went back to work where a new season of stressors awaited.  My mom had surgery.  My brother got hurt.  I got food poisoning or a stomach bug or something.  It felt like my life was full of all my favorite things and people and then a big vacuum sucked it all away.  And it left me empty.

In that emptiness I let go of all the things I worked so hard for.   I didn’t count my macros.  I didn’t go to the gym.  I went to work and I came home.  I watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy.  I did everything to fill the void but actually deal with it.  It was truly like I had a mild case of a kind of depression.  Nothing really made me happy.

Thankfully, I knew to get myself out of it I’d have to look ahead.  It would all pass.  I made goals for July.  I visited my family.  I watched the clouds and reprioritized.  I think I’m ready to start over.

I won’t lie; even writing this is as cathartic as it is embarrassing.  It’s humbling to admit that mentally I went from wonder woman to fragile vase in a matter of hours.  But the reality is I’m human.  And these days/weeks are going to happen.  I won’t be perfect all the time.  I’ve got to learn to cope better.  This was a cold reality check that I really don’t have it all together yet.  My old mechanisms are still there, under the surface, and will attack if I don’t deal.  I didn’t deal.

So I’m starting over.  I don’t know how much strength I’ve lost from my week off, but I was at least pleased(?) to note that my scale hadn’t went up any.  I hadn’t lost (despite the stomach bug) but at least hadn’t truly gained.  It’s going to take me a bit longer to gain my mental strength back.

I wrote this post for me.  It’s a checkpoint; a reminder for the future.  Thanks for hanging with me.

TODAY I LOVE:  Aussie brand deep conditioner (it smells so good!)

brand new

I’m here.  I did it.  I stopped blogging quite some time ago because life just got HARD.  Overwhelming.  Not only that, I tried to make my blog something that it wasn’t and it just added more stress than I needed.  So I’m beginning again.

The other day I tried to figure out exactly when I started blogging.  I couldn’t find a real date, but gosh, it was early 2000’s easy.  I blogged to talk about my fitness journey and to meet people.  It was really nothing more than an online journal.  I met so many wonderful people.  The people stayed but the blog changed.

It’s time to take it back to the beginning again.  Like this blog, I’m kind of starting over too.  Here in a few short months I will have been divorced for an entire year.  In a week, I’ll have lived on my own for a year.  I think this first year has really been fight-or-flight.  I’ve covered my needs.  Now I’m discovering, now that all my basic needs are met, that I’ve got some major ground work to do physically, emotionally, and spiritually within myself.  Times are a changin’.

Welcome to my new personal journal.  I’ll write about my life, how I’m dealing with it, my victories, my defeats, and a whole lot of fitness stuff.  There might not be a single person out there who reads this and honestly I’m at the point in my life that I’m ok with that.  This is for me.  And if by some lucky chance that I meet some lovely people along the way, well, that’s just bonus happies.

TODAY I LOVE: the new “Beauty and the Beast” soundtrack