everything is burning

If you’ve ever been tasked with a whole bunch of responsibilities you’ve probably developed some kind of mechanism to determine what needs to be accomplished first.  I like to use the phrase, “What is the brightest burning fire?” I tackle those first.

Right at this moment it feels like everything in my life is burning.  And I can’t see a way to choose what to focus on.  I’m hoping by writing it out I’ll gain some perspective and find my path.

If you follow me on any social media at all then you know my cat George has been very ill for the last two weeks.  We’ve been in and out of the emergency vet, my vet, and he’s been hospitalized for days.  His bladder ruptured so he had to have emergency surgery.  I have him home now, but that is super challenging too with his treatment.  He’s taking 4 different medications that are all not at the same time.   He needs IV fluids under the skin everyday.  I’ve tried to do it myself the last two days and the attempts were very unsuccessful.  Today I managed to stab myself in the knuckle with his IV needle so now my knuckle is swollen and bruised.  His bladder and urethra are having spasms off and on due to all the trauma, so he leaks urine at times when he’s sleeping.  So I’ve got every piece of furniture covered in plastic and I’m washing blankets twice a day.  I’m not sleeping because I’m watching him.  I haven’t been able to exercise for the last week because I’m taking him back and forth from the emergency vet to the regular vet.

The big project at work that I’ve leading/managing has ran into one delay after another.  None of them have even been remotely my fault, but we are now WEEKS behind.  It was supposed to ready to go-live on Monday (7/2) and we literally just received word just yesterday that I can only now start testing it.  I’ll be lucky if we are ready to go by 8/1 at this point.  I chose the dates for my project with intentionality because other big things follow it.  I have other things in my normal day-to-day job that need to take precedence.  Now I need to do it all, together.  There will be many, many long days ahead with work.

Because I need one more big thing….I’m moving in 3 weeks.  Guess who hasn’t even started packing up her apartment due to all of the above?

George has cost me thousands of dollars I wasn’t expecting (or prepared) to spend.

And lastly, to top it all off, because I have had all this extreme stress and I’m not keeping my body “normal” my heart condition is flaring up.  So I’m dizzy and prone to passing out frequently.

So here is where I am.  How do I manage it all by myself? George comes first, obviously, but how do I keep up all the treatment and such that he needs AND maintain everything I need to do with my job?  I need to be the one doing my packing because I’m weeding things out as I go.  What is the answer?

I’m not writing this post for sympathy or pity.  I’m writing it for clarity.  I need to find a path.  I need to find a way to look at it that I don’t see everything burning.  So.  Without any doubt you can bet as I’m doing some work today that I’ll be doing my normal type-A self…trying to write a flowchart to make all this work.

TODAY I LOVE: Kacey Musgraves’ new album Golden Hour

you know what? not everyday is great.

It’s really easy to only write about happy things.  I like writing about accomplishments.  I get downright giddy sharing a life hack that helped me.  It is not fun, however, exposing the underbelly of emotion.  The emotions that bubble up and catch you unawares.  The emotions that make you crawl into yourself and hide until it’s all better.  Sadly, I’m not being a very authentic person if you only get the good side.

Yesterday was just rough.  For the first time in 3 diligent months I just did NOT care about my macros.  I did fine all day but by the time dinner rolled around I was in such a mood that pretty much said, “Screw it” and ate whatever I wanted.  (Thankfully I don’t really keep much in my apartment.)  I had cleaned my office earlier in the day and in doing so it brought up a lot of emotions and memories.  Other than a few items, I hadn’t changed anything since the divorce.  All in all, I was lonely and sad.  And apparently ate my feelings (they taste like macaroni and cheese among other things.)

Afterwards I felt like such a failure.  That is not a great place to be, nor is it at all healthy mentally.  It was one day; one meal.  Lucky for me, my best girl called me out on these unhealthy thoughts and brought me around.  These days are going to happen.  I’ve got to manage my emotions, anticipate how I need to handle things, and not revert to my old way of stress/emotion management.  Life isn’t going to be easy and these moments are going to happen again.  And that’s ok.

Today, my friend, is a new day.  And that’s ok too.

TODAY I LOVE: opening a new tube of toothpaste (it’s evenly distributed!)