Choosing joy.

 I’m gonna be candid.  It’s been a hell of a few days.  I know I go into a lot of things here but all the details that sent me off the deep end are going to remain in my secret journal not my public one.  When there are other people involved it gets tricky and I don’t want to cause more drama.  

At any rate,  I got the news at the end of last week that my ex-husband was engaged.  You wouldn’t think something like that would send me off the rails as we have been divorced for over a year now.  But it did.  It just made me so sad.  And, like I said, I’m going to leave a bunch of my thoughts and reasonings private, but hello sadness and depression.  And ugly thoughts of myself and self worth.  

I wallowed in it for a day and then out of the blue my mom called me and asked me if I wanted to go to the lake with her and my brother.  And completely out of character for me, I said yes.  I got up off the couch, put on my bikini, and hit the road.  An hour and 15 minutes later, I was on the water and soaking up the sun.  It was 95 degrees outside, the water temp was 86 degrees and PERFECT.   

My brother was his typical silly, fun-loving, people-person self.  He played “photographer” and held his own photoshoot with my phone (the picture above.). It was so stinking funny.  And you know what, I kind of value all those stupid pictures on my phone.  Because that is a genuine, free, and willing smile.  I was laughing so hard at that moment.  And I’m so thankful I have record of it to go back on. Even looking at it now it makes me smile.  I wasn’t thinking about my past life.   I wasn’t thinking about my current life.  I wasn’t thinking about all the things I have OR don’t have.  I wasn’t thinking about who loves me and who doesn’t.  I had JOY.  

So I’m going to keep staring at this photo and remembering to choose joy.  Because the rest of the crap that is lingering in my psyche is just literally just crap.  It’s jaded thoughts, it’s distorted memories, and it’s the past.  Choose.  Joy.  This is my reminder that I CAN set it all aside and be happy.  Happiness can creep up and overtake the crap.  This picture is evidence.  I’m so, so thankful for it.  So thankful.  

I’m not normally spontaneous, but this one little trip gave me a hard-shift to my perspective and thoughts. 

TODAY I LOVE:  pool floaties 

finding happy

Since the divorce and all the stuff after, feelings and emotions all seem more…real.  I don’t mean to say that when I was married I didn’t fully feel things; that’s not it.  I think because I don’t necessarily have someone with me all the time to share in a feeling or emotion, I get the full force of it.  Sometimes I wallow in it (most of the time.)  I’ve had my fair share of pity parties and dance parties.  The highs are high and the lows…well, they are really, really low.  Why is it always easier to share the highs and celebrations with other people but when you’re down you seclude yourself away, thinking you can handle it on your own?

At any rate, this year one of my goals or wishes for myself was to put a concerted effort into finding something, even if it’s something small, to be happy for every day.  It might be the tiniest things or it could be HUGE.  Today will be day 85 of my happy streak.

This exercise has shown me so much.  Some days I get to the end of the day and I think to myself, “I’ve had nothing to be happy about today.  It’s been a total crap day.”  When that happens I’ll force myself to a happier time, something that makes me all warm inside.  Or I’ll start thinking much smaller; like being thankful or happy for the warm drink in my hand or the smile my best friend gave me that morning.  It’s shown me I have so much TO be happy about.  Not all days are great, sure, but I’ve got a huge well to draw from.  It has put a halt to the extended pity parties and makes the highs last longer.

I’ll definitely be keeping up the happy streak.  Maybe you should start one too!

Be happy, my friends.

TODAY I LOVE: gummy vitamins